And now what did you do TODAY?

[MexicanDragon]

Went out to lunch.

Beef empanadas

The Incline

1885Grill.com

1885 Burger with white cheddar and bacon. So good!

**BRENT**

Edited June 8, 2013 by MexicanDragon

[RudeWolf]

Went to my friends house by the sea yesterday and ever since I've been living off cheap rum Cuba libres and bbq'ed meat and sausages. Then I wen't home on a bike with 15kg of photo equipment in a backpack and realized that I haven't actually drunk any water for the past 30 hours. I did clock 15km in half an hour but now I'm feeling really bad. Turns out there is no real substitute for water.

 

My kidneys and liver must be having the time of their life! 

[en480c4]

Lauren is off shooting her forst wedding solo, so I figured I'd surprise her and take care of a few things around the house. I replaced both strainers in my farmer's sink, and while I had everything apart, redid the waste line, trap, etc, to take care of some lingering issues. I also changed out a light fixture in a closet and put the handle on the barn door that leads to the nursury. It was definitely a nice productive day.

[Dusty Chalk]

Nice.

 

"...lingering..."

 

Bonus point.

[Absorbine_Sr]

Did the initial shopping for a party we are hosting next weekend. Now making a balsamic BBQ sauce to go on some chicken breasts and Debbie is making a champagne vinaigrette for a new potato salad. We will then settle in with alcohol to watch the Hawks demolish the Kings. All in all, a great Saturday.

[jwzhan]

Switched the WD 320G 5400rpm HDD in my laptop to Samsung 256G 840pro SSD. also swapped out the optical drive to HDD caddy with Hitachi 1T 7200rpm HDD.

System is super fast now. My laptop should be good for another 2~3 years.

[MexicanDragon]

Just shooting a little pool with Jeff and his cousin. Seems he somehow beat me twice in the same game.

I blame Colin.

**BRENT**

[crappyjones123]

Jeff, I haven't seen you since the plantation meet a few years ago but cycling certainly agrees with you. You look great.

No fever finally. Woohoo!

Picked up my sister from the airport and drove home. Spent the last 4 hours talking about my issues (slowly hers as well) about cultural differences between us and mom (and dad but he wasn't there). I had spoken with both of them about Julie separately. My sister went out to lunch once with Julie and I and instantly fell in love with her. My mom has never met her. We have been going out for almost 2 years. Tonight was the first time both mom and sister were there and I brought up Julie again. On may 5th, Julie got my mom an orchid for her birthday as my mom loves flowers and gardening. She ignored my warnings that the kind gesture from her would not be received well from my mom and she said as long as she doesn't kill the plant out of malice she didn't care what my mom did with it. Later that night I gave her the flowers and she smiled ear to ear and awkwardly acknowledged that Julie had sent them. Three days later I told her that it didn't need to be anything crazy but just a little thank you note would have been nice and appropriate. Two days later, she walked into my room as I was leaving to see Julie and she says while handing me a note, "make sure you understand that there are no misconceptions here." I asked her what she meant and after she fumbled for words I got angry and told her to keep the note. A thank should not come with strings attached. The flowers certainly did not. That ended then.

Tonight I brought it up again as I wanted my sister to offer her opinion on it and she essentially forced my mom to finally speak her mind. She said,"I didn't want her (she refuses to say Julie's name) to think that I found the relationship acceptable or that I was ok with marriage in the future." My sister asked her if she thought that my happiness was more important than her culture or belief system. My mom says no and then walks away.

I find myself slowly approaching a crossroads where I will be forced to choose between my parents and Julie and I'm not sure that is going to be a difficult decision to make. Sure, I would like to have their blessing but if they can't look past their prejudices for an instant to see the wonderful person she is then I'm not sure I see the value in sticking around. They have made me who I am and I owe them everything including my ability to accept people as they are without judging them however they seem have lost that ability themselves.

My dad still does not know about Julie. I was going to introduce everyone at the white coat ceremony for med school but my mom just told me she wasn't going to attend if Julie was invited. I'm losing my patience with her. Not sure there is much my sister can do to mend things between us.

Anyone have thoughts on how to approach something like this. I know to most of you the concept will seem foreign as having a girlfriend or a boyfriend is entirely normal but unfortunately, in the land of arranged marriages, having a gf or bf is taboo. Which is utter nonsense but there are cultural shackles that prevent rebellion. My sister is surprised that someone as meek as I would have ever gotten this far for anyone let alone a girl who wasn't Indian.

[Dusty Chalk]

In my experience, unless the parents are entirely retarded, they won't disown you.

 

Julie is yours, don't let the parents interfere with that relationship.

 

This is one instance where you can have your cake (relationship with Julie) and eat it too (remain blood-related to your parents).

[HeadphoneAddict]

In my experience, unless the parents are entirely retarded, they won't disown you.

 

Julie is yours, don't let the parents interfere with that relationship.

 

This is one instance where you can have your cake (relationship with Julie) and eat it too (remain blood-related to your parents).

x2

I married a non-Jew, and eventually became a Christian myself, and my family came to terms with it. My first marriage to a "nice jewish girl" lasted only 2 years, with 18 months of that in marriage counceling. This August we reach our 21st anniversary...

[Dusty Chalk]

Oh, and congrats on the non-fever.  Jesus, you had us worried.  Hope there isn't any permanent brain damage.  Not that we'd be able to tell. 

[skullguise]

Man, tough times CJ.  Also glad you're apparently getting better, hope the fever has broken completely.

 

I went through a similar situation.  Dating a Chinese woman, her parents were 1st generation in US, though Vivian was born here (North Carolina, went to college and moved permanently to Boston area).  She never told her parents about dating a White man, and one day I found out she tried.  She was crying non-stop, saying they threatened to disown her.

 

Days turned to weeks, and her mother decided to fly up to visit and meet me.  There was prepping to be done, a gift to be bought, and behavior to be practiced.  Met at her apartment, talked for about an hour, went out for Chinese food (her mom ordered, and in Mandarin asked the waitress for fortune cookies because "you know how the white people like them").  At then end of the night she gave me a small gift, a hanging window-type thing for good luck.

 

Later the next day I got a call, and I could HEAR Vivian's ear-to-ear smile.  "You passed," she said.  "Her last words about us were 'I don't know what your father will think.'  But that means she accepts you....and so will my father."

 

I never got top meet her father, we DID end up breaking up in time.  But she is now married to a nice man (White) and has two lovely kids.  Very happy to be the one to help her and her parents get over a bias that threatened the family relationships.  

 

I only hope that your family can get through that as well.

Edited June 10, 2013 by skullguise

[Aimless1]

As a second gen American I saw many family customs and traditions challenged. When it comes to relationships you must choose to either accept our American tradition of choosing your own wife or choosing your parent's tradition of arranging or passing judgement on your future spouse. Same applies to girlfriends. Based on my German family's history it is better to follow the American tradition and expect forgiveness/love later.

[Wmcmanus]

A good friend of mine from my grad school days, a Christian guy, got married to the 4th and final daughter of a Rabbi, who had refused to show up to any of his other daughter's weddings (all of whom married Christians).  Jim was fine with having a Jewish wedding, so Aliza's father not only showed but presided over the ceremony.  Only Jewish wedding I've ever been invited to, and although it was a small wedding, we all had a great time.  Fast forward the clock 20+ years, and suddenly Aliza was dying of cancer.  Her father, who had hardly spoken to her or to Jim in all of those years (because he never did truly accept him), told him one day at her beside so that she could hear him and remember it, "Jim, you were the best thing that ever happened to my daughter.  I can never thank enough for making her so happy for all of these years.  I'm sorry that I have misjudged you."  End of conversation. She died a couple of days later, but at least she was able hear it with her own two ears, and that meant the world to her.  She just said, "Thanks, dad.  I know."  Of course it probably doesn't hurt that Jim is a Senior VP of a major international bank and makes North of a million dollars per year, but that never mattered to Aliza.  She just loved him "because"... as it should be.

Edited June 10, 2013 by Wmcmanus

[skullguise]

Incredible story, Wayne!  I bet Jim would have given up all the money to have her longer.....

[MexicanDragon]

Anurag, this life is too bloody short to care what other people think... Unless that makes you happy. You love Julie, and she makes you happy. From what we talked when you were looking at grad school apps, becoming a doctor makes you happy.

My Mom is great, but I know I've disappointed her in the past. She has disappointed me as well. Know what? We still really love each other, even if we may infuriate each other from time to time.

If it came down to it, though, she would take me being happy in whichever path I went down, than me being miserable following in the footsteps of what she thought I should do.

Make yourself happy. Every time you talk about Julie, either on the forum or one on one, either you're happy, or show strong emotion for her well being.

Like I think you said, if it comes to it, I think the decision will be pretty easy.

You're a good kid, we're here for you.

**BRENT**

[n_maher]

Crappy,

 

The best teacher that I ever had was an Indian guy named Shashi.  He was brilliant Phd from Princeton that ultimately chose to teach highschool math and physics for reasons that remain a mystery.  Anyway, while he was my teacher he met the love of his life, the German teacher at the highschool.  Like you he was extraordinarily nervous about introducing her to his very traditional family - she was white, divorced, etc.  So they dated for a couple of years and decided to get married and he finally took her to meet his family.  It went very, very badly.  He chose to honor his family's wishes and immediately ended the relationship.  I saw what it did to both of them for the next two years and it wasn't pretty.  She eventually moved on, got married, had kids and is happy.  I don't think he ever really recovered and last I saw him (some 5 years ago) he was still single and more of a recluse than he was before.

 

Bottom line, no one can really tell you what to do in your situation.  My advice, follow your heart.  Some of that is telling you to respect your parents wishes, some isn't.  You need to figure out which part wins.  My 2¢, you're not going to spend the rest of your life living with your parents and you might just do that with Julie. 

[agile_one]

CJ ... lots of good advice already, so I will just second what Nate and Brent said.  Particularly Nate's last paragraph above:

 

Bottom line, no one can really tell you what to do in your situation.  My advice, follow your heart.  Some of that is telling you to respect your parents wishes, some isn't.  You need to figure out which part wins.  My 2¢, you're not going to spend the rest of your life living with your parents and you might just do that with Julie. 

[Torpedo]

^This. Following one's heart and instinct is what usually ends up making one happy. It's just that sometimes it takes some time to show. And it's not always the easiest path.

[jvlgato]

CJ,

 

For some parents, preservation of the culture is more important than the happiness of their child. For others, the happiness of the child is more important than the preservation of their culture. Often, it’s hard to know which they are until they are confronted with the actual choice. I think the parents themselves often don’t really know until they have to face that choice. 

 

I think you are being faced with the same choice. Which is more important to you? Happiness or preservation of culture? If you choose to stay with Julie, I think the best approach is to honestly explain how you feel about her and why. And that you’re choosing your happiness to be with this woman. And while you understand and respect your parents’ reasons for hoping you married Indian, you are making a choice that you have to make for your happiness. They may hate that choice, and they may even disown you. I’ve seen it happen. But I don’t think asking in any other way would make any difference – it’s more about how the parents feel about preserving the culture than how you inform them. I’ve seen angry parents who disown their kids and later change their mind after they get to know the girl/guy as a person, and not the threat to the culture that they represent. 

 

My parents ‘preferred’ that I’d marry Chinese. Second best would be an Asian woman of some other sort. Now, if it was really THAT important to them, they shouldn’t have moved their family to a white, 88% Jewish suburb of Cleveland that had no Asians other than us.  It was impossible for my brother and me to date in high school, and I think they saw how hard that was for us. Then I had a number of so-so to awful relationships. I almost married one of them. I was well into my 30’s when I met a great lady who had nothing major wrong with her, and an awful lot right. I was lucky that my parents saw past her culture/race (and her parents did, too!) and there’s been no problems whatsoever. Oh, sure, there’s been some fun stories to tell about her learning about what I grew up with and me learning about small town Wisconsin. 

 

But hey, they all realize when they leave their country, that they are taking a risk that their culture will be lost or at least watered down. I say you can’t go to America for the American dream, but then ignore that it’s built on the ideology of a melting pot.

[agile_one]

^^^ John, that is so eloquent it brought tears to my eyes.  CJ, hopefully it will help you on your way.

[morphsci]

John gives the best analysis and advice.

[raffy]

CJ ... lots of good advice already, so I will just second what Nate and Brent said. Particularly Nate's last paragraph above:

Bottom line, no one can really tell you what to do in your situation. My advice, follow your heart. Some of that is telling you to respect your parents wishes, some isn't. You need to figure out which part wins. My 2¢, you're not going to spend the rest of your life living with your parents and you might just do that with Julie.

[jvlgato]

If only I could change a light bulb ... or adjust that spot heater on the back deck in Mayberry ...

[morphsci]

You can hire people to do that shit. Or at last Al can.

Edited June 11, 2013 by morphsci