hungrych Posted June 12, 2006 Report Posted June 12, 2006 I thought you guys might want to be entertained by my short story I had to write for english class. Jesus Vs Godzilla All that could be heard was the sound of waves sloshing upon the rocky shore. The sun was rising in the Land of The Rising Sun, bringing light to another busy day in Tokyo. But this day was different. The sea floor rumbled ominously, and what looked at first to be a tsunami was actually a natural disaster of far more epic proportions. The scaly green monstrosity arose and began to stomp towards the city, Godzilla was ready to unleash his mighty wrath on the Japanese city yet again. "Gojirraaaa!" shouted the stereotypical, badly dubbed citizens of Tokyo. After the failure of all the nation's defense organizations, Secretary of Defense Dan Ikujakaramuramaraharafara made the call to the most powerful weapon Asia has ever known. "Send in Voltron." Voltron lasted about three minutes, but was messily devoured its large, rubbery foe after a barbecuing in atomic fire breath. What was the world going to do now? Meanwhile, an ultra-secure video conversation between the Japanese Prime MInister and the President of the United States of America was taking place. "You have to help us, or we'll be destroyed!" pleaded the Prime Minsiter. "Why should we? We don't care about anybody else. We're the United States of America! Besides, Godzilla only attacks Tokyo, except in that crappy American movie. "Umm..." he struggled for an idea, and then got it, "it looks like he's on his way to America next! Help, it's the world's only hope!" "Well, alright. We'll send in our best guy. He's the only chance we've got." The President then proceeded to break open sixteen layers of inch-thick glass, and with his non-skewered hand picked up the phone and dialed the secret hotline... In a San Francisco apartment, a phone rang. Rolling out of bed, the apartment's inhabitant picked it up. "We need you, you're the only one who can save the world from Godzilla." "Ugh, where is he..." he groaned. "Attacking Tokyo." "Fine, but you better pay for my damn flight this time." "But your frickin' Jesus! Can't you fly or something?" "Haven't you read the Bible?" Jesus asked, rolling his eyes. "Of course I have! Where did you think I learned to run a country?" "Umm..." Jesus trailed off, realizing how worthless it would be to pursue the argument further. "Just pay for the flight, OK?" He heard the sound of rotor blades whipping through the air like an egg beater through pancake batter on the roof. Hanging up the phone, Jesus grabbed a waffle for the road and got into the helicopter parked on his roof. Three hours later, Jesus jumped out of the choppah and onto the streets of the ravaged city, ready to fight. He ran in front of Godzilla and shouted to get his attention: "I died for your sins, and now you pull this crap? You are so dead!" Little did he expect to hear a thunderingly deep reply explaining that Godzilla was in fact an atheist and couldn't care less about some Jew who got killed by Romans 2000 years ago. Jesus whipped out his twin flamethrowers and ran screaming at the mammoth sized lizard, but it was to no avail, having no visible affect. It did, however, get Godzilla angry. Jesus ran, gasping for breath, trying to escape that which was stomping after him. "What the hell am I gonna do now" he thought to himself. Then he remembered. Jesus fired from a safe distance at Godzilla... with MIND BULLETS! The bullets visibly wounded his adversary, but did not bring him down. Now, with a giant monster running towards him, Jesus made his final move. He whipped out his axe, a '69 Fender Strat, and started to rock Godzilla's mind with an insanely fast, intelligently designed solo he had written beforehand. It looked like Jesus had almost won, when something went wrong. Godzilla broke free, and began to attack again. "What the hell? That was supposed to blow his mind! The power of rock is supposed to triumph over all!" Jesus thought to himself, "OK, that's it, I'm gonna have to summon someone who's mastered the power of rock to fix this mess." Drawing out a pentagram on the ground with his pick, he then invoked a special combination of power cords, the secret riff of the rock gods on his vintage geetar. Suddenly, in a flash of light, the sky parted, and on a pillar of fire an armored figure descended, transported by a giant black marble omnibus driven by dragons. With the opening chords to "Holy Diver" heard in the background, Ronnie James Dio, famed singer of Rainbow, Black Sabbath, and Dio, slayer of dragons wildebeests, and other mythical creations, and rock god landed in the realm of mortals. The few surrounding citizens were in awe, knowing their lives were about to be rocked harder than ever before. Dio began to stand up, and shouted "Jesus, why have you called me here?!" Taken aback, Jesus managed to reply, "Dio! You are not only a slayer of dragons, wildebeests, and other mythical creations, but an immortal god of rock! What must I do to defeat this beast! My flashy technically skilled guitar solo has failed me!" "YOU FOOL!" Dio bellowed, "You know nothing of rock! Didn't your father teach you anything?" "No, he just told me to cut my hair and stop listening to that 'devil music'!" "Bah! The true meaning of rock isn't about technical skill, or compositional prowess, or about fame, or how many groupies you bang backstage," Dio thought for a minute, "err, no, no it's not about any of that!" "Then what?! What is the true meaning of rock Dio?!" At this point Godzilla was even angrier than before and started to charge, making that whacked out Godzilla roar noise that he does. "Hurry!" Jesus implored. "Alright, just solo, and I'll back you up. You will see the true meaning of rock" Dio said, and drew out a long, silver broadsword with a mic at the end. "But... what should I play?" "Don't worry about that! Just improvise! Do a generic minor pentatonic based one for all I care!" "If you say so..." He began to play, gradually speeding up. Dio began to scream into the mic-blade: Woooooahhheeeoooohhhh Rock! It's about how hard... You ROCK! It's all about ROCKIN'! Not about money, 's about rock! Fight the evil beast! Fight the giant mechanical machine! Rock will triumph over all! IT'S ALL ABOUT ROCKIN'! YEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! "I understand now!" Jesus realized. A revelation came. "Rock is about how rocking! Nothing else! Just rockin'! No wonder my intelligently designed solo failed. It had no soul. It didn't rock, it was just a boring display of proficiency. But that doesn't matter, because rock is just about rock! The power of rock is invincible!" "Yes, my disciple, that's it! Now play! Melt his face off!" Jesus then began to rock like he had never rocked before. Using copious amount of wah-wah, distortion, overdrive, fuzz, delay, and many other effects, he had created a veritable hurricane of rock. He then played a face-melting solo of the likes never seen before on this earth, and melted the giant rubbery monster's face off, defeating Godzilla and destroying the chance of a 31st sequel once and for all. "Yes! Well done Jesus! You have discovered the true meaning of rock, and unlocked your potential! You could be the next Jimi! Come Jesus, you still have much to learn, come with me, we shall train around the world." "You mean a world tour?" "Yeah, Jesus and Dio's Rockin' World Tour!" And so, Jesus and Dio embarked on a World Tour, and rocked the world out of it's mind. Fin
Post Posted June 12, 2006 Report Posted June 12, 2006 As long as the punctuation and grammar are spot on, you'll get an "A." Parody is a treasured institution, and is used to convey "difficult" opinions through humor and fancy at times. It's far better than what I wrote back in high school - I think mine was about a WWII paratrooper caught behind enemy lines. I stink at creative writing!
Yikes Posted June 12, 2006 Report Posted June 12, 2006 That?s three minutes of my life that I?ll never get back.
hungrych Posted October 28, 2006 Author Report Posted October 28, 2006 I had to write a short story for english this year, but I sort of procrastinated and never did it so I just handed this one in. She'll never know.
mjg Posted October 28, 2006 Report Posted October 28, 2006 pretzels could kick jesus's ass, dios too.
Dusty Chalk Posted October 28, 2006 Report Posted October 28, 2006 Movie script for Horror Incorporated -- highly recommended reading, but it could take you an hour or two.
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