Jokes

[Dusty Chalk]

1. Talk about a huge breast!
   
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
   
3. It's Cool Whip time!
   
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
   
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
   
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
   
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
   
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
   
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
   
10. Don't play with your meat.
    
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
    
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
    
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
    
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
    
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
    
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
    
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
    
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
    
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
    

[Knuckledragger]

You can't see London, you can't see France...

...until we see your underpants!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

- TSA

[Knuckledragger]

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?"

He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!"

The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: "Professor, I'd rather not answer that question."

The professor says, "That's all right, Miss Callahan, you don't need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?" He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. "Mr. Hawkins!"

Hawkins says, "Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that expands to ten times its normal size during periods of emotion and excitement."

The professor says, "That is correct, Mr. Hawkins." Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, "Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven't studied this week's assignment; and Two, I'm afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you.

[crappyjones123]

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?"

He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!"

The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: "Professor, I'd rather not answer that question."

The professor says, "That's all right, Miss Callahan, you don't need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?" He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. "Mr. Hawkins!"

Hawkins says, "Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that expands to ten times its normal size during periods of emotion and excitement."

The professor says, "That is correct, Mr. Hawkins." Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, "Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven't studied this week's assignment; and Two, I'm afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you.

Same joke was used in the movie Kinsey. I quite liked it.

[swt61]

Why don't Cowboys get circumcized?

They need a place to keep their snuff dry when they're showering.

[Knuckledragger]

Q: I'm in Egypt and my internet doesn't work. Any advice?

A: Try pulling the government out and plugging it back in.

[Craig Sawyers]

One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to get a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge, around the sine wave, and into a magnetic field next to a flowing current.

Micro Farad, attracted by Millie Amp's characteristic curve, soon had her field fully excited and he couldn't resistor. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt.

Fully excited, Millie Amp cried, "Mho, Mho. Give me Mho!"

"Ohmigod, this is good," shouted Micro. With his tube at maximum output and her coil vibrating from current flow, her shunt soon reached maximum heat.

The excess heat had gotten her shunt pretty hot and Micro's capacitance was rapidly discharging, ... draining off every electron.

They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets until Micro's bar magnet had lost all of it's field strength.

Afterward, Millie tried self-inductance and damaged her solenoid. But it didn't phasor. With his battery fully discharged, Micro Farad was unable to excite his transformer. So they ended up by reversing polarity, and blowing each other's fuses.

[Craig Sawyers]

And here's one for those of a mathematical persuasion

Wherein it is related how that polygon of womanly virtue, young

Polly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that notorious villain

Curly Pi, and factored (oh, horrors!).

Once upon a time (1/t) pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a

field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large

matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an

absolute condition that she never enter such an array without her

brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that

morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this

ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way

amongst the complex elements. Rows and columns closed in from all

sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and

tensor.

Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single

point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and

went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she

tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and

plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once

more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a

non-euclidean space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly

Pi, was lurking innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear

coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered,

was she still convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw

Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could

see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he

was bent on no good.

"ArcSinh!" she gasped.

"Ho, Ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you

have. I can see your angles have lots of Secs."

"Oh, Sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."

"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator. "your fears

are purely imaginary."

"i, i," she thought. "Perhaps he's not normal, but homologous."

"What order are you?" the brute demanded.

"Seventeen," replied Polly.

Curly leered, "I suppose you've never been operated on."

"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly, "I'm absolutely

convergent!"

"Come, come," said Curly. "Let's off to a decimal place I know

and I'll take you to the limit."

"Never!!" gasped Polly.

"Abscissa!!!" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His

patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a natural

log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He

stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her points

of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was now her only

hope. She felt his hand tending toward her asymptotic limit. Her

convergence would soon be gone forever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator.

Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He integrated her by

parts. He integrated her by partial fractions. After he

cofactored, he performed Runge-Cutta on her. The complex beast even went all

the way around and did a coutour integration. Curly went on operating

until he had satisfied her hypothesis. Then, he exponentiated and

became completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was

no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several

places. But, it was too late to differentiate now. As the months

went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, she

went to L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function

which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.

The moral of our sad story is this:

"If you want to keep your expressions convergent,

never allow them a single degree of freedom."

[mypasswordis]

No offense, but they are about as funny as going to an actual lecture.

[Craig Sawyers]

No offense, but they are about as funny as going to an actual lecture.

Maybe its an age thing - when you get to my almost walking frame age actual lectures are a dim and distant memory

[Dusty Chalk]

I think you also have to embrace the punnage -- I liked it.

[Dusty Chalk]

Two lesbian frogs were "getting it on" with each other while suddenly one of them told the other: "They're right, we do taste like chicken".

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, "replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first..."

[grawk]

ROFL

[Knuckledragger]

WILL You know, I was on this plane once. And I'm sitting there and uh...the captain gets on, he does his whole, you know, we'll be cruisin' at 35,000 feet. But then he puts the mic down n forgets to turn it off.

SEAN mm-hmm.

WILL And so he turns to the co-pilot n he's like, "you know, all I could use right now is a fuckin' blow job and a cup of coffee." So the stewardess fuckin' goes bombin' up from the back of the plane to tell him that the microphone's still on. N this guy in the back of the plane is like, "Hey, hon, don't forget the coffee!" >

SEAN You ever been on a plane?

WILL No, but it's a fuckin' joke. It works better if I tell it in the first person.

[Knuckledragger]

A modified version of something I said during a KF game a few nights ago: "I'm following Colin and a Gorefast. One is an odd orange color, makes distorted growling noises in my headphones and can't be trusted with sharp objects. The other is a Gorefast."

[Dusty Chalk]

• Two kittens are on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first? Answer: The one with the lowest mu
• How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Answer: Ask them to pronounce the word "unionized"
• Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have some H2O." The second one says, "I'll have some H2O too." The second chemist dies.
• Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A police officer pulls him over and says, "Son, do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I knew where I was..."
• There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
• Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek. It's Einstein's turn to seek, so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein, and stands in it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and immediately says, "Newton, I've found you! It's your turn to seek." Newton smiles and says, "No, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"
• A Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says, "We don't allow Higgs bosons in here." The Higgs boson replies, "But without me, how can you have mass?"
• There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

[Salt Peanuts]

Q. How does Santa Claus take pictures?

A. With his North Polearoid.

Q. What did Snow White say when she left the photo store?

A. Someday my prints will come.

[Dusty Chalk]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

[Dusty Chalk]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.  The first one says, "I'll have a beer."  The second one orders half a beer.  The third one orders a quarter beer.  The fourth one orders 1/8th of a beer.  Before the next one has a chance to order, the bartenders stops him and says, "you're all idiots, I'm pouring two beers."

[grawk]

I heard that joke in the last day somewhere else...was it npr?

[Dusty Chalk]

My sister does, indeed, listen to NPR, so she may have heard it there, but it was relayed to me by my sister.

 

And of course, my inner nerd says, "why do they have to be mathematicians?"

[crappyjones123]

Peter, check out Zeno's Paradox.

[grawk]

And I wasn't trying to be critical, I always like math jokes.  I was just watching Numberwang yesterday.

[swt61]

How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

 

Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a folk song about it.

[postjack]

I apologize in advance for this, pulled from the headphones subreddit:

 

A pair of Beats headphones walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't like Beats around here", to which the Beats replies "sorry man we're not looking for any treble."

 

it made me smile.