Jokes

[choomanchoo]

Only if it's equal opportunity.

What do you call a black Smurf?

Smigger

What do you get when you cross a mexican and a someone who's black?

Someone who's to lazy to steal.

[choomanchoo]

It never seems to be equal. I'd say not posting racial jokes is a smarter strategy.

oh oh

[choomanchoo]

I suppose it wouldn't help to say that I'm part black.

which is concentrated in the crotch area

[Knuckledragger]

[Cankin]

Guy A: My wife made me crazy last night.

Guy B: Why?

Guy A: She sucks!

[Old Pa]

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more; "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to Albuquerque New Mexico .. That's about 620 miles from here."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir --- that's where the end of the applicant line is right now."

[Knuckledragger]

...so I booked into a hotel and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." "No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

[Duggeh]

They laughed when you said you'd become a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

[Blackmore]

Two Jewish neighbours:

A. Do you know what happened yesterday?

B. Yes, I was in an library the whole day..

A. No, stupid, I mean up here

B. No, what is it?

A. The other guy, you know, Michael, took your Sarah right up here behind this heap of firewood's

B. So, what you are saying is that they are my now?

[Jeepster]

I ordered a SinglePower amp last night.

[guzziguy]

Buying yourself a 2009 or 2010 Xmas gift?

[Dusty Chalk]

I ordered a SinglePower amp last night.

Nice! I was just reading the "last thing you bought" thread, so I was still in that mindset...didn't get it right away.

[Jeepster]

Buying yourself a 2009 or 2010 Xmas gift?

Im getting up there, Im 42, so I thought it would make a nice retirement present to myself.

[Knuckledragger]

That's a very thoughtful investment. It's sure to be a family heirloom, and by that I mean you grandchildren will be able to await it's return from being repaired by Mikhail III.

[Blackmore]

The guy, whose wife had sex with someone else ( on that fucking firewood ), took this in more practical way instead of be pathetic:asshat:

I feel kind of faint now:palm:

?

[Knuckledragger]

Did you hear about the new Denny's "Octo Plate"?? It has 8 eggs, no sausage, and everyone else in the restaurant picks up the tab.

[Knuckledragger]

Worst start to a scrabble game ever.

[Duggeh]

Seeled.

E is left over.

[Knuckledragger]

Seven points for Doug.

[Duggeh]

The S went onto a triple word score square at the end of cazique.

[jinp6301]

Got one from my graduate school mailing list from all places

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. “Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

[Knuckledragger]

HP buys Palm -- Engadget

It's a good thing Facebook didn't buy them, or we'd have

[Knuckledragger]

On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

[Knuckledragger]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner!"

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.

"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

[Knuckledragger]

- Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- To.

- To who?

- To whom.

...I'll get my coat.