Jokes

[swt61]

“This guy has an ego. When Trump bangs a supermodel, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off.”–Seth McFarlane

[Dusty Chalk]

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car. They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

[wink]

The White Elephant Joke.

Once upon a time there was a big game hunter who , in his travels came upon a white elephant.

Since he was almost out of food and ammunition , he took careful note of the location and battled his way back to civilisation.

When he had sufficiently recovered from the ordeal of his expedition, he determined to go back with sufficient provisions to bag a specimen.

As he didn't have enough funds to finance the expedition, he went about canvassing for support for the venture.

Naturally, all the well heeled and astute businessmen he propositiones laughed the concept off as a farce.

The result was that rumours quickly spread around the traps that his last trip had made him delusional and he had lost his marbles.

As a consequence of these scurrilous rumours, his livelihood of big game treks for amateur rich huntsmen had all dried up.

Within a short time he was down to his last few dollars, and in the bar of the local hotel drowning his sorrows with a cleansing ale.

 

He contemplated his future, and seeing that his reputation was shot, and no work was on the horizon, he fell into a morbid reverie.

He was contemplating suicide as the only way out of his dilemma, when a conversation nearby impinged upon his consciousness.

There were thes five well dressed businessmen debating the best way to engage in a worthwile safari for some good specimens of the local wildlife.

He could not contain himself, he entered the conversation and offered his services to them.

Upon hearing his name, they laughed at his proposal of organising their safari.

In desperation, to get their attention, he told them of the white elephant and how he was the only one that could ensure that they could bag one.

With that four of the businessmen left in fits of laughter and severe ridicule of even entertaining such a proposal.

 

The businessman left with the big game hunter told him that he was a fake.

He told the big game hunter that he was a billionare as well as an expert big game hunter himself.

He said that back in his mansion he had stuffed examples of every animal worthy of  capture, and that he shot them himself, from all over the world.

Moreover he said that he knew there was no such thing as a white elephant, or he would have bagged one by now.

Nevertheless, just in case this preposterous venture was genuine, and as he had nothing better to do, he would take up the proposal on one condition.

That condition was that he would get the first shot at the bleached pachyderm, if it really existed.

The condition was readily agreed to, and plans were expedited so that the safari could leave at daybreak on the morrow.

 

As it was late in the day the big game hunter requested the finances to hire some natives, provisions and the special bait for the white elephant.

When the funds were provided, he hired six natives, the food and ammunition, and then went to the local baker for the white elephant bait.

He ordered a large cream cake with a large strawberry on the top, and stipulated it should be ready at dawn. The baker said it would be ready.

As the sun slowly rose above the horizon in another glorious dawn the billionaire, natives and provisions were positioned on the porch of the hotel.

The awaited the arrival of the big game hunter and his precious parcel of the only bait that could attract the mythical white elephant.

They set off and headed for the dark and dense jungle for which Africa is so well known in a heightened sense of expectation and mild trepidation.

 

When they reached the edge of the town, they reached the Tanganyika River and passed over without incident and entered ant country.

After passing through ant country for a couple of days they entered anteater country and cuntinued on in single file.

After passing through anteater country for a couple of days they entered  meerkat country and continued on.

After passing through meerkat country for a couple of days they entered monkey country and continued on.

After passing through monkey country for a couple of days they entered gibbon country and continued on.

After passing through gibbon country for a couple of days they entered baboon country and continued on.

After passing through baboon country for a couple of days they entered chimpanzee country and continued on.

After passing through chimpanzee country for a couple of days they entered gorilla country and continued on.

After passing through gorilla country for a couple of days they entered elk country and continued on.

After passing through elk country for a couple of days they entered gnu country and continued on.

After passing through gnu country for a couple of days they entered zebra country and continued on.

After passing through zebra country for a couple of days they entered hyaena country and continued on.

After passing through hyaena country for a couple of days they entered leopard country and continued on.

After passing through leopard country for a couple of days they entered lion country and continued on.

After passing through lion country for a couple of days they entered hippopotamus country and continued on.

After passing through hippopotamus country for a couple of days they entered rhinoceros country and continued on.

After passing through rhinoceros country for a couple of days they entered giraffe country and continued on.

After passing through giraffe country for a couple of days they entered grey elephant country and continued on.

Everybody knows that grey elephants are nothing special.......

After passing through grey elephant country for a couple of days they entered white elephant country and continued on.

 

After walking around in white elephant country for a few hours they found a clearing amongst the bushes there.

The clearing was about 20 metres diameter and the grass was about waist high.

They placed the cream cake with the strawberry on top in the middle of the clearing and went and hid in the bushes,

 

Now, white elephant country is very special, and unlike you are to find anywhere in the world.

There is no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the bushes, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

 

So they waited guns ready and eyes peering around the clearing for any telltale signs of life. Nothing stirred.

The second day was just like the first.

And the third day was just like the second.

And the fourth day was just like the third.

And the fifth day was just like the fourth

And all this time,

There is no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the bushes, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the sixth day was like the fifth......

 

Sudenly there was the staccato sound of muffled footfalls in the distance.

Everyone snapped to attention. the billionaire and big game hunter were there hiding behind a bush with their guns cocked ready to shoot.

The natives stood huddled together in wide eyed anticipation of some impending holocaust, as natives are wont to do.

The footfalls grew louder and louder until the white elephant broke through the bushes and raced through the clearing at breakneck speed.

Upon reaching the centre of the clearing, the elephant raised it's white trunk and grabbed the large cream cake with the large strawberry on top.

Without even a moment's hesitation it shoved the cream cake with the strawberry on top into it's gaping maw and disappeared in the bushes on the other side.

The billionaire and big game hunter were flabberghasted at the sight.

They were so amazed they even forgot to shoot. The natives were now cowered under the bushes with wide white eyes, praying to their deities.

 

When they were able to compose themselves, they realised they only had enough provisions to make it back to town.

So they packed up what was left and headed back to civilisation, and started making plans for their return to bag that bleached beast.

 

After coming out of white elephant country they passed into grey elephant country.

Everybody knows that grey elephants are nothing special.......

After passing through grey elephant country for a couple of days they entered giraffe country and continued on.

After passing through giraffe country for a couple of days they entered rhinocerous country and continued on.

After passing through rhinoceros country for a couple of days they entered hippopotamus country and continued on.

After passing through hippopotamus country for a couple of days they entered lion country and continued on.

After passing through lion country for a couple of days they entered leopard country and continued on.

After passing through leopard country for a couple of days they entered hyaena country and continued on.

After passing through hyaena country for a couple of days they entered zebra country and continued on.

After passing through zebra country for a couple of days they entered gnu country and continued on.

After passing through gnu country for a couple of days they entered elk country and continued on.

After passing through elk country for a couple of days they entered gorilla country and continued on.

After passing through gorilla country for a couple of days they entered chimpanzee country and continued on.

After passing through chimpanzee country for a couple of days they entered baboon country and continued on.

After passing through baboon country for a couple of days they entered gibbon country and continued on.

After passing through gibbon country for a couple of days they entered monkey country and continued on.

After passing through monkey country for a couple of days they entered meerkat country and continued on.

After passing through meerkat country for a couple of days they entered anteater country and continued on.

After passing through anteater country for a couple of days they entered ant country and continued on.

After passing through ant country for a couple of days they reached the Tanginyika River and passed over without incident.

 

They entered the town and made ready immediately for the next expedition.

The billionaire went and hired another six natives as well as a couple of other big game hunters to heighten their chances of a kill.

The big game hunter meanwhile, ordered more food and ammunition, then went to the local bakery.

He told the baker to bake another cream cake larger than the last one with a larger strawberry on top, and have it ready by daybreak.

As the sun slowly rose above the horizon in another glorious dawn the billionaire, natives and provisions were positioned on the porch of the hotel.

The awaited the arrival of the big game hunter and his precious parcel of the only bait that could attract the now very real white elephant.

They set off and headed for the dark and dense jungle for which Africa is so well known in a heightened sense of expectation and mild trepidation.

 

When they reached the edge of the town, they reached the Tanganyika River and passed over without incident and entered ant country.

After passing through ant country for a couple of days they entered anteater country and cuntinued on in single file.

After passing through anteater country for a couple of days they entered  meerkat country and continued on.

After passing through meerkat country for a couple of days they entered monkey country and continued on.

After passing through monkey country for a couple of days they entered gibbon country and continued on.

After passing through gibbon country for a couple of days they entered baboon country and continued on.

After passing through baboon country for a couple of days they entered chimpanzee country and continued on.

After passing through chimpanzee country for a couple of days they entered gorilla country and continued on.

After passing through gorilla country for a couple of days they entered elk country and continued on.

After passing through elk country for a couple of days they entered gnu country and continued on.

After passing through gnu country for a couple of days they entered zebra country and continued on.

After passing through zebra country for a couple of days they entered hyaena country and continued on.

After passing through hyaena country for a couple of days they entered leopard country and continued on.

After passing through leopard country for a couple of days they entered lion country and continued on.

After passing through lion country for a couple of days they entered hippopotamus country and continued on.

After passing through hippopotamus country for a couple of days they entered rhinoceros country and continued on.

After passing through rhinoceros country for a couple of days they entered giraffe country and continued on.

After passing through giraffe country for a couple of days they entered grey elephant country and continued on.

Everybody knows that grey elephants are nothing special.......

After passing through grey elephant country for a couple of days they entered white elephant country and continued on.

 

After walking around in white elephant country for about six hours they found a clearing amongst the large bushes there.

The clearing was about 40 metres diameter and the grass was about knee high.

They placed the cream cake with the strawberry on top in the middle of the clearing and went and hid in the large bushes,

 

Now, white elephant country is very special, and unlike you are to find anywhere in the world.

There is no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the large bushes, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

 

So they waited guns ready and eyes peering around the clearing for any telltale signs of life. Nothing stirred.

The second day was just like the first.

And the third day was just like the second.

And the fourth day was just like the third.

And the fifth day was just like the fourth

And all this time,

Still there is no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the large bushes, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the sixth day was like the fifth......

And the seventh day was just like the sixth

And the eighth day was just like the seventh

And the ninth day was just like the eighth

And the tenth day was just like the ninth

Yet there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the large bushes, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

 

Sudenly there was the staccato sound of muffled footfalls in the distance.

Everyone snapped to attention. the billionaire and big game hunters were there hiding behind a large bush with their guns cocked ready to shoot.

The natives stood huddled together in wide eyed anticipation of some impending holocaust, as natives are wont to do.

The footfalls grew louder and louder until the white elephant broke through the large bushes and raced through the clearing at breakneck speed.

Upon reaching the centre of the clearing, the elephant raised it's white trunk and grabbed the larger cream cake with the larger strawberry on top.

Without even a moment's hesitation it shoved the cream cake with the strawberry on top into it's gaping maw and disappeared in the bushes on the other side.

The billionaire and big game hunters were flabberghasted at the sight.

They were so amazed they even forgot to shoot. The natives were now cowered under the bushes with wide white eyes, praying to their deities.

 

When they were able to compose themselves, they realised they only had enough provisions to make it back to town.

So they packed up what was left and headed back to civilisation, and started making plans for their return to bag that blanched beast.

 

After coming out of white elephant country they passed into grey elephant country.

Everybody knows that grey elephants are nothing special.......

After passing through grey elephant country for a couple of days they entered giraffe country and continued on.

After passing through giraffe country for a couple of days they entered rhinocerous country and continued on.

After passing through rhinoceros country for a couple of days they entered hippopotamus country and continued on.

After passing through hippopotamus country for a couple of days they entered lion country and continued on.

After passing through lion country for a couple of days they entered leopard country and continued on.

After passing through leopard country for a couple of days they entered hyaena country and continued on.

After passing through hyaena country for a couple of days they entered zebra country and continued on.

After passing through zebra country for a couple of days they entered gnu country and continued on.

After passing through gnu country for a couple of days they entered elk country and continued on.

After passing through elk country for a couple of days they entered gorilla country and continued on.

After passing through gorilla country for a couple of days they entered chimpanzee country and continued on.

After passing through chimpanzee country for a couple of days they entered baboon country and continued on.

After passing through baboon country for a couple of days they entered gibbon country and continued on.

After passing through gibbon country for a couple of days they entered monkey country and continued on.

After passing through monkey country for a couple of days they entered meerkat country and continued on.

After passing through meerkat country for a couple of days they entered anteater country and continued on.

After passing through anteater country for a couple of days they entered ant country and continued on.

After passing through ant country for a couple of days they reached the Tanginyika River and passed over without incident.

 

They entered the town and made ready immediately for the next expedition.

The billionaire went and hired another dozen natives as well as a half dozen of other big game hunters to heighten their chances of a kill.

The big game hunter meanwhile, ordered more food and ammunition, then went to the local bakery.

He told the baker to bake another cream cake larger than the last one with a larger strawberry on top, and have it ready by daybreak.

As the sun slowly rose above the horizon in another glorious dawn the billionaire, natives and provisions were positioned on the porch of the hotel.

The awaited the arrival of the big game hunter and his precious parcel of the only bait that could attract the now very recalcitrant white elephant.

They set off and headed for the dark and dense jungle for which Africa is so well known in a heightened sense of expectation and mild trepidation.

 

When they reached the edge of the town, they reached the Tanganyika River and passed over without incident and entered ant country.

After passing through ant country for a couple of days they entered anteater country and cuntinued on in single file.

After passing through anteater country for a couple of days they entered  meerkat country and continued on.

After passing through meerkat country for a couple of days they entered monkey country and continued on.

After passing through monkey country for a couple of days they entered gibbon country and continued on.

After passing through gibbon country for a couple of days they entered baboon country and continued on.

After passing through baboon country for a couple of days they entered chimpanzee country and continued on.

After passing through chimpanzee country for a couple of days they entered gorilla country and continued on.

After passing through gorilla country for a couple of days they entered elk country and continued on.

After passing through elk country for a couple of days they entered gnu country and continued on.

After passing through gnu country for a couple of days they entered zebra country and continued on.

After passing through zebra country for a couple of days they entered hyaena country and continued on.

After passing through hyaena country for a couple of days they entered leopard country and continued on.

After passing through leopard country for a couple of days they entered lion country and continued on.

After passing through lion country for a couple of days they entered hippopotamus country and continued on.

After passing through hippopotamus country for a couple of days they entered rhinoceros country and continued on.

After passing through rhinoceros country for a couple of days they entered giraffe country and continued on.

After passing through giraffe country for a couple of days they entered grey elephant country and continued on.

Everybody knows that grey elephants are nothing special.......

After passing through grey elephant country for a couple of days they entered white elephant country and continued on.

 

After walking around in white elephant country for a half a day they found a clearing amongst the small trees there.

The clearing was about 60 metres diameter and the grass was about ankle high.

They placed the cream cake with the strawberry on top in the middle of the clearing and went and hid in the small trees,

 

Now, white elephant country is very special, and unlike you are to find anywhere in the world.

There is no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the small trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

 

So they waited guns ready and eyes peering around the clearing for any telltale signs of life. Nothing stirred.

The second day was just like the first.

And the third day was just like the second.

And the fourth day was just like the third.

And the fifth day was just like the fourth

And all this time,

There is no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the small trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the sixth day was like the fifth......

Still there is no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the small trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the sixth day was like the fifth......

And the seventh day was just like the sixth

And the eighth day was just like the seventh

And the ninth day was just like the eighth

And the tenth day was just like the ninth

Yet there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the small trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the eleventh day was just like the tenth

And the twelfth day was just like the eleveth

And the thirteenth day was just like the twelfth

And the fourteenth day was just like the thirteenth

Yet there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the small trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the fifteennth day was just like the fourteenth

And the sixteenth day was just like the fifteenth

And the seventeenth day was just like the sixteenth

And the eighteenth day was just like the seventeenth

And the nineteenth day was just like the eighteenth

And the twentieth day was just like the nineteenth

Yet there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the small trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

 

Sudenly there was the staccato sound of muffled footfalls in the distance.

Everyone snapped to attention. the billionaire and big game hunters were there hiding behind a small tree with their guns cocked ready to shoot.

The natives stood huddled together in wide eyed anticipation of some impending holocaust, as natives are wont to do.

The footfalls grew louder and louder until the white elephant broke through the small trees and raced through the clearing at breakneck speed.

Upon reaching the centre of the clearing, the elephant raised it's white trunk and grabbed the large cream cake with the large strawberry on top.

Without even a moment's hesitation it shoved the cream cake with the strawberry on top into it's gaping maw and disappeared in the small trees on the other side.

The billionaire and big game hunters were fllummoxed at the sight.

They were so amazed they even forgot to shoot. The natives were now cowered under the small tree with wide white eyes, praying to their deities.

 

When they were able to compose themselves, they realised they only had enough provisions to make it back to town.

So they packed up what was left and headed back to civilisation, and started making plans for their return to bag that behemoth.

 

After coming out of white elephant country they passed into grey elephant country.

Everybody knows that grey elephants are nothing special.......

After passing through grey elephant country for a couple of days they entered giraffe country and continued on.

After passing through giraffe country for a couple of days they entered rhinocerous country and continued on.

After passing through rhinoceros country for a couple of days they entered hippopotamus country and continued on.

After passing through hippopotamus country for a couple of days they entered lion country and continued on.

After passing through lion country for a couple of days they entered leopard country and continued on.

After passing through leopard country for a couple of days they entered hyaena country and continued on.

After passing through hyaena country for a couple of days they entered zebra country and continued on.

After passing through zebra country for a couple of days they entered gnu country and continued on.

After passing through gnu country for a couple of days they entered elk country and continued on.

After passing through elk country for a couple of days they entered gorilla country and continued on.

After passing through gorilla country for a couple of days they entered chimpanzee country and continued on.

After passing through chimpanzee country for a couple of days they entered baboon country and continued on.

After passing through baboon country for a couple of days they entered gibbon country and continued on.

After passing through gibbon country for a couple of days they entered monkey country and continued on.

After passing through monkey country for a couple of days they entered meerkat country and continued on.

After passing through meerkat country for a couple of days they entered anteater country and continued on.

After passing through anteater country for a couple of days they entered ant country and continued on.

After passing through ant country for a couple of days they reached the Tanginyika River and passed over without incident.

 

They entered the town and made ready immediately for the next expedition.

The billionaire went and hired another couple dozen natives as well as a dozen more available big game hunters to heighten their chances of a kill.

The big game hunter meanwhile, ordered more food and ammunition, then went to the local bakery.

He told the baker to bake another cream cake larger than the last one with a larger strawberry on top, and have it ready by daybreak.

As the sun slowly rose above the horizon in another glorious dawn the billionaire, natives and provisions were positioned on the porch of the hotel.

The awaited the arrival of the big game hunter and his precious parcel of the only bait that could attract the uncooperative white elephant.

They set off and headed for the dark and dense jungle for which Africa is so well known in a heightened sense of expectation and mild trepidation.

 

When they reached the edge of the town, they reached the Tanganyika River and passed over without incident and entered ant country.

After passing through ant country for a couple of days they entered anteater country and cuntinued on in single file.

After passing through anteater country for a couple of days they entered  meerkat country and continued on.

After passing through meerkat country for a couple of days they entered monkey country and continued on.

After passing through monkey country for a couple of days they entered gibbon country and continued on.

After passing through gibbon country for a couple of days they entered baboon country and continued on.

After passing through baboon country for a couple of days they entered chimpanzee country and continued on.

After passing through chimpanzee country for a couple of days they entered gorilla country and continued on.

After passing through gorilla country for a couple of days they entered elk country and continued on.

After passing through elk country for a couple of days they entered gnu country and continued on.

After passing through gnu country for a couple of days they entered zebra country and continued on.

After passing through zebra country for a couple of days they entered hyaena country and continued on.

After passing through hyaena country for a couple of days they entered leopard country and continued on.

After passing through leopard country for a couple of days they entered lion country and continued on.

After passing through lion country for a couple of days they entered hippopotamus country and continued on.

After passing through hippopotamus country for a couple of days they entered rhinoceros country and continued on.

After passing through rhinoceros country for a couple of days they entered giraffe country and continued on.

After passing through giraffe country for a couple of days they entered grey elephant country and continued on.

Everybody knows that grey elephants are nothing special.......

After passing through grey elephant country for a couple of days they entered white elephant country and continued on.

 

After walking around in white elephant country for a full day they found a clearing amongst the medium size trees there.

The clearing was about 800 metres diameter and the grass was about 2cm high.

They placed the cream cake with the strawberry on top in the middle of the clearing and went and hid in the medium size trees,

 

Now, white elephant country is very special, and unlike you are to find anywhere in the world.

There is no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the medium size trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

 

So they waited guns ready and eyes peering around the clearing for any telltale signs of life. Nothing stirred.

The second day was just like the first.

And the third day was just like the second.

And the fourth day was just like the third.

And the fifth day was just like the fourth

And all this time,

There is no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the medium size trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the sixth day was like the fifth......

Still there is no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the medium size trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the sixth day was like the fifth......

And the seventh day was just like the sixth

And the eighth day was just like the seventh

And the ninth day was just like the eighth

And the tenth day was just like the ninth

Yet there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the medium size trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the eleventh day was just like the tenth

And the twelfth day was just like the eleveth

And the thirteenth day was just like the twelfth

And the fourteenth day was just like the thirteenth

Yet there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the medium size trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the fifteennth day was just like the fourteenth

And the sixteenth day was just like the fifteenth

And the seventeenth day was just like the sixteenth

And the eighteenth day was just like the seventeenth

And the nineteenth day was just like the eighteenth

And the twentieth day was just like the nineteenth

Yet there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the medium size trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the twenty first day was just like the twentieth

And the twenty second day was just like the twenty first

And the twenty third day was just like the twenty second

And the twenty fourth day was just like the twenty third

Yet still there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the medium size trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the twenty fifth day was just like the twenty fourth

And the twentsixth day was just like the twenty fifth

And the twenty seventh day was just like the twenty sixth

And the twenty eighth day was just like the twenty seventh

And the twenty ninth day was just like the twenty eighth

And the thirtieth day was just like the twenty ninth

 

Sudenly there was the staccato sound of muffled footfalls in the distance.

Everyone snapped to attention. the billionaire and big game hunters were there hiding behind a couple medium size trees with their guns cocked ready to shoot.

The natives stood huddled together in wide eyed anticipation of some impending holocaust, as natives are wont to do.

The footfalls grew louder and louder until the white elephant broke through the medium size trees and raced through the clearing at breakneck speed.

Upon reaching the centre of the clearing, the elephant raised it's white trunk and grabbed the large cream cake with the large strawberry on top.

Without even a moment's hesitation it shoved the cream cake with the strawberry on top into it's gaping maw and disappeared in the medium size trees on the other side.

The billionaire and big game hunters were transmogrified at the sight.

They were so amazed they even forgot to shoot. The natives were now cowered under the medium size trees with wide white eyes, praying to their deities.

 

When they were able to compose themselves, they realised they only had enough provisions to make it back to town.

So they packed up what was left and headed back to civilisation, and started making plans for their return to bag that pale pachyderm.

 

After coming out of white elephant country they passed into grey elephant country.

Everybody knows that grey elephants are nothing special.......

After passing through grey elephant country for a couple of days they entered giraffe country and continued on.

After passing through giraffe country for a couple of days they entered rhinocerous country and continued on.

After passing through rhinoceros country for a couple of days they entered hippopotamus country and continued on.

After passing through hippopotamus country for a couple of days they entered lion country and continued on.

After passing through lion country for a couple of days they entered leopard country and continued on.

After passing through leopard country for a couple of days they entered hyaena country and continued on.

After passing through hyaena country for a couple of days they entered zebra country and continued on.

After passing through zebra country for a couple of days they entered gnu country and continued on.

After passing through gnu country for a couple of days they entered elk country and continued on.

After passing through elk country for a couple of days they entered gorilla country and continued on.

After passing through gorilla country for a couple of days they entered chimpanzee country and continued on.

After passing through chimpanzee country for a couple of days they entered baboon country and continued on.

After passing through baboon country for a couple of days they entered gibbon country and continued on.

After passing through gibbon country for a couple of days they entered monkey country and continued on.

After passing through monkey country for a couple of days they entered meerkat country and continued on.

After passing through meerkat country for a couple of days they entered anteater country and continued on.

After passing through anteater country for a couple of days they entered ant country and continued on.

After passing through ant country for a couple of days they reached the Tanginyika River and passed over without incident.

 

They entered the town and made ready immediately for the next expedition.

The billionaire went and hired another six dozen natives as well as two dozen more available big game hunters to heighten their chances of a kill.

The big game hunter meanwhile, ordered more food and ammunition, then went to the local bakery.

He told the baker to bake another cream cake larger than the last one with a larger strawberry on top, and have it ready by daybreak.

As the sun slowly rose above the horizon in another glorious dawn the billionaire, natives and provisions were positioned on the porch of the hotel.

The awaited the arrival of the big game hunter and his precious parcel of the only bait that could attract the uncooperative white elephant.

They set off and headed for the dark and dense jungle for which Africa is so well known in a heightened sense of expectation and mild trepidation.

 

When they reached the edge of the town, they reached the Tanganyika River and passed over without incident and entered ant country.

After passing through ant country for a couple of days they entered anteater country and cuntinued on in single file.

After passing through anteater country for a couple of days they entered  meerkat country and continued on.

After passing through meerkat country for a couple of days they entered monkey country and continued on.

After passing through monkey country for a couple of days they entered gibbon country and continued on.

After passing through gibbon country for a couple of days they entered baboon country and continued on.

After passing through baboon country for a couple of days they entered chimpanzee country and continued on.

After passing through chimpanzee country for a couple of days they entered gorilla country and continued on.

After passing through gorilla country for a couple of days they entered elk country and continued on.

After passing through elk country for a couple of days they entered gnu country and continued on.

After passing through gnu country for a couple of days they entered zebra country and continued on.

After passing through zebra country for a couple of days they entered hyaena country and continued on.

After passing through hyaena country for a couple of days they entered leopard country and continued on.

After passing through leopard country for a couple of days they entered lion country and continued on.

After passing through lion country for a couple of days they entered hippopotamus country and continued on.

After passing through hippopotamus country for a couple of days they entered rhinoceros country and continued on.

After passing through rhinoceros country for a couple of days they entered giraffe country and continued on.

After passing through giraffe country for a couple of days they entered grey elephant country and continued on.

Everybody knows that grey elephants are nothing special.......

After passing through grey elephant country for a couple of days they entered white elephant country and continued on.

 

After walking around in white elephant country for a couple of day they found a clearing amongst the large trees there.

The clearing was about a kilometer diameter and the grass was about 1cm high.

They placed the cream cake with the strawberry on top in the middle of the clearing and went and hid in the large trees,

 

Now, white elephant country is very special, and unlike you are to find anywhere in the world.

There is no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the large trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

 

So they waited guns ready and eyes peering around the clearing for any telltale signs of life. Nothing stirred.

The second day was just like the first.

And the third day was just like the second.

And the fourth day was just like the third.

And the fifth day was just like the fourth

And all this time,

There is no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the large trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the sixth day was like the fifth......

Still there is no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the large trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the sixth day was like the fifth......

And the seventh day was just like the sixth

And the eighth day was just like the seventh

And the ninth day was just like the eighth

And the tenth day was just like the ninth

Yet there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the large trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the eleventh day was just like the tenth

And the twelfth day was just like the eleveth

And the thirteenth day was just like the twelfth

And the fourteenth day was just like the thirteenth

Yet there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the large trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the fifteennth day was just like the fourteenth

And the sixteenth day was just like the fifteenth

And the seventeenth day was just like the sixteenth

And the eighteenth day was just like the seventeenth

And the nineteenth day was just like the eighteenth

And the twentieth day was just like the nineteenth

Yet there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the large trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the twenty first day was just like the twentieth

And the twenty second day was just like the twenty first

And the twenty third day was just like the twenty second

And the twenty fourth day was just like the twenty third

Yet still there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the large trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the twenty fifth day was just like the twenty fourth

And the twentsixth day was just like the twenty fifth

And the twenty seventh day was just like the twenty sixth

And the twenty eighth day was just like the twenty seventh

And the twenty ninth day was just like the twenty eighth

And the thirtieth day was just like the twenty ninth

And so another month passed in silence

There is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the large trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the third month was just like the second

And the fourth month was just like the third

But still there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the large trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

 

Sudenly there was the staccato sound of muffled footfalls in the distance.

Everyone snapped to attention. the billionaire and big game hunters were there hiding behind a copse of large trees with their guns cocked ready to shoot.

The natives stood huddled together in wide eyed anticipation of some impending holocaust, as natives are wont to do.

The footfalls grew louder and louder until the white elephant broke through the large trees and raced through the clearing at breakneck speed.

Upon reaching the centre of the clearing, the elephant raised it's white trunk and grabbed the large cream cake with the large strawberry on top.

Without even a moment's hesitation it shoved the cream cake with the strawberry on top into it's gaping maw and disappeared in the large trees on the other side.

The billionaire and big game hunters were transfixed where they stood at the sight.

They were so amazed they even forgot to shoot. The natives were now cowered under the large trees with wide white eyes, praying to their deities.

 

When they were able to compose themselves, they realised they only had enough provisions to make it back to town.

So they packed up what was left and headed back to civilisation, and started making plans for their return to bag that pale pachyderm.

 

After coming out of white elephant country they passed into grey elephant country.

Everybody knows that grey elephants are nothing special.......

After passing through grey elephant country for a couple of days they entered giraffe country and continued on.

After passing through giraffe country for a couple of days they entered rhinocerous country and continued on.

After passing through rhinoceros country for a couple of days they entered hippopotamus country and continued on.

After passing through hippopotamus country for a couple of days they entered lion country and continued on.

After passing through lion country for a couple of days they entered leopard country and continued on.

After passing through leopard country for a couple of days they entered hyaena country and continued on.

After passing through hyaena country for a couple of days they entered zebra country and continued on.

After passing through zebra country for a couple of days they entered gnu country and continued on.

After passing through gnu country for a couple of days they entered elk country and continued on.

After passing through elk country for a couple of days they entered gorilla country and continued on.

After passing through gorilla country for a couple of days they entered chimpanzee country and continued on.

After passing through chimpanzee country for a couple of days they entered baboon country and continued on.

After passing through baboon country for a couple of days they entered gibbon country and continued on.

After passing through gibbon country for a couple of days they entered monkey country and continued on.

After passing through monkey country for a couple of days they entered meerkat country and continued on.

After passing through meerkat country for a couple of days they entered anteater country and continued on.

After passing through anteater country for a couple of days they entered ant country and continued on.

After passing through ant country for a couple of days they reached the Tanginyika River and passed over without incident.

 

They entered the town and made ready immediately for the next expedition.

The billionaire went and hired another ten dozen natives as well as five dozen more available big game hunters to heighten their chances of a kill.

The big game hunter meanwhile, ordered more food and ammunition, then went to the local hardware store, as he had a brilliant idea.

He ordered six tons of gravel, three tons of sand and a ton of cement, and built a huge mock cream cake with a mock strawberry on top.

He painted it with cream flavoured paint, and the mock strawberry with strawberry flavoured varnish, and set it on a low wide trolley.

 

A fortnight later, as the sun slowly rose above the horizon in another glorious dawn the billionaire, natives and provisions were positioned on the porch of the hotel.

The awaited the arrival of the big game hunter and his precious parcel of the only fake bait that could attract the unsuspecting white elephant.

They set off and headed for the dark and dense jungle for which Africa is so well known in a heightened sense of expectation and mild trepidation.

 

When they reached the edge of the town, they reached the Tanganyika River but could not pass over.

The poor ageing ferry could not handle the fake cream cake with the ersatz strawberry on top.

So the billionaire had a two lane bridge built which could accomodate this collosal cream cake copy.

And so after the opening ceremony the intrepid hunters and natives crossed over dragging the fake bait behind them.

 

After dragging the bait through ant country for a couple of days they entered anteater country and cuntinued on in single file.

After dragging the bait through anteater country for a couple of days they entered  meerkat country and continued on.

After dragging the bait through meerkat country for a couple of days they entered monkey country and continued on.

After dragging the bait through monkey country for a couple of days they entered gibbon country and continued on.

After dragging the bait through gibbon country for a couple of days they entered baboon country and continued on.

After dragging the bait through baboon country for a couple of days they entered chimpanzee country and continued on.

After dragging the bait through chimpanzee country for a couple of days they entered gorilla country and continued on.

After dragging the bait through gorilla country for a couple of days they entered elk country and continued on.

After dragging the bait through elk country for a couple of days they entered gnu country and continued on.

After dragging the bait through gnu country for a couple of days they entered zebra country and continued on.

After dragging the bait through zebra country for a couple of days they entered hyaena country and continued on.

After dragging the bait through hyaena country for a couple of days they entered leopard country and continued on.

After dragging the bait through leopard country for a couple of days they entered lion country and continued on.

After dragging the bait through lion country for a couple of days they entered hippopotamus country and continued on.

After dragging the bait through hippopotamus country for a couple of days they entered rhinoceros country and continued on.

After dragging the bait through rhinoceros country for a couple of days they entered giraffe country and continued on.

After dragging the bait through giraffe country for a couple of days they entered grey elephant country and continued on.

Everybody knows that grey elephants are nothing special.......

After dragging the bait through grey elephant country for a couple of days they entered white elephant country and continued on.

 

After walking around in white elephant country for a week, they found a clearing amongst the huge trees there.

The clearing was about a kilometer and a half in diameter and the grass was like the top of a billiard table. You could putt on it.

They placed the cream cake with the strawberry on top in the middle of the clearing and went and hid in thehuge trees,

 

Now, white elephant country is very special, and unlike you are to find anywhere in the world.

There is no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the huge  trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

 

So they waited guns ready and eyes peering around the clearing for any telltale signs of life. Nothing stirred.

The second day was just like the first.

And the third day was just like the second.

And the fourth day was just like the third.

And the fifth day was just like the fourth

And all this time,

There is no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the huge trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the sixth day was like the fifth......

Still there is no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the huge trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the sixth day was like the fifth......

And the seventh day was just like the sixth

And the eighth day was just like the seventh

And the ninth day was just like the eighth

And the tenth day was just like the ninth

Yet there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the huge trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the eleventh day was just like the tenth

And the twelfth day was just like the eleveth

And the thirteenth day was just like the twelfth

And the fourteenth day was just like the thirteenth

Yet there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the huge trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the fifteennth day was just like the fourteenth

And the sixteenth day was just like the fifteenth

And the seventeenth day was just like the sixteenth

And the eighteenth day was just like the seventeenth

And the nineteenth day was just like the eighteenth

And the twentieth day was just like the nineteenth

Yet there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the huge trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the twenty first day was just like the twentieth

And the twenty second day was just like the twenty first

And the twenty third day was just like the twenty second

And the twenty fourth day was just like the twenty third

Yet still there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the huge trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the twenty fifth day was just like the twenty fourth

And the twentsixth day was just like the twenty fifth

And the twenty seventh day was just like the twenty sixth

And the twenty eighth day was just like the twenty seventh

And the twenty ninth day was just like the twenty eighth

And the thirtieth day was just like the twenty ninth

And so another month passed in silence

There is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the huge trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the third month was just like the second

And the fourth month was just like the third

But still there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the huge trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the fifth month was just like the fourth

And the sixth month was just like thefifth

And the seventh month was just like the sixth

And the eighth month was just like the seventh

And, as expected, there is still no sound there, no birds, no animals nor insects. The only noise there is that which you make yourself.

There is no wind to rustle the leaves of the huge trees, nor is there any clouds passing overhead in the clear azure sky.

It is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could also hear yourself and the other safari members breathe.

The only movement there was the sun as it passed overhead during the day, and the moon at night. There wasn't even any heat haze.

And the fifth month was just like the fourth

 

It was getting to the point where their provisions were now desperately low, and they had to pack up and leave or starve.

So, they packed up and were just heading back - and suddenly...

There was the staccato sound of muffled footfalls in the distance.

Everyone raced back to their positions and waited.

The billionaire and big game hunters were there hiding behind a copse of huge trees with their guns cocked ready to shoot.

The natives stood huddled together in wide eyed anticipation of some impending holocaust, as natives are wont to do.

The footfalls grew louder and louder until the white elephant broke through the huge trees knocking them over and uprooting them like weeds.

It raced through the jungle at breakneck speed with trees being flung from it's path as it charged like a runaway locomotive for the fake cake containing clearing, and entered it.

Upon reaching the centre of the clearing, the elephant raised it's huge white trunk and grabbed the large cream cake with the large strawberry on top.

But the fake cake with the fake strawberry on top didn't budge. The huge white mammoth was stopped in it's tracks with a bewildered glaze in it's beady eyes.

The billionaire and big game hunters were absolutely awestruck and entranced at the sight.

They were so amazed they even forgot to shoot. The natives were gone, never to be seen again....

There was no thought of shooting as the billionare and the big game hunters dropped their rifles and stared in slack-jawed amazement at the spectacle before them.

 

The white elephant, now recovered from the experience of being halted in full charge by it's prey, glared ominously at it's prey for a moment.

It then raised it's trunk, and with a malevolent swing, struck the fake cake and a large piece broke off and fell to the turf.

The pachyderm picked it up and threw it high in the air, As it descended the elephant opened it's cavernous craw and the piece fell in.

The elephant proceeded to take another swipe with the same result, and it was also despatched in the behemoth's big belly.

This continued until the whole concrete cake was consumed and only the sinister strawberry was left, lying on the ground as an appetising morsel.

The billionaire and big game hunters could only stand frozen and watch the goings-on with incredulous gazes.

The wondrous white denizen then grasped the fake concrete strawberry and flung it high into the air.

As fake food came barrelling down the elephant once again opened it's monstrous mouth and swallowed it.

The elephant stood there appearing to chew the concrete strawberry and a look of dismay crossed the pachyderm's dial.

There seemed to be something terribly amiss in the elephant's endeavour to swallow the strawberry.

As the beast gasped for breath, it's shiny white hide started turning a rosy red.

The billionaire, upon seeing this, thought that a red elephant mounted in his den would be a far better prize than a white one.

The elephant continued it's laboured breathing as it continued trying to chew. And it began to turn from red to purple as in an apoplexy.

The billionaire thought this was far better as purple was his second favourite colour.

The elphant was becoming extremely distressed at this stage, and began turning blue.

The billionaire was extatic at this sight as blue was his favourite colour, and he could hardly wait to see what would transpire next.

The white elephant's face then transformed into show of extreme panic, and then it fell on it's side and it's whole hairy hide turned a dull grey.

Everybody knows that grey elephants are nothing special................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Craig Sawyers]

This thread has been moribund for too long.

The 1st Affair 
A married man is having an affair 
With his secretary. 

One day they went to her place 
And made love all afternoon. 

Exhausted, they fell asleep 
And woke up at 8 PM. 

The man hurriedly dressed 
And told his lover to take his shoes 
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. 

He put on his shoes and drove home. 

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.. 
We had sex all afternoon.' 

She looked down at his shoes and said: 

'You lying bastard! 
You've been playing golf!' 
 

[Craig Sawyers]

The 2nd Affair 

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son. 

They decided to try one last time 
For the son they always wanted. 

The wife got pregnant 
And delivered a healthy baby boy. 

The joyful father rushed to the nursery 
To see his new son. 

He was horrified at the ugliest child 
He had ever seen. 

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can 
Be the father of this baby. 
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! 
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 
'No, not this time!' 

[Craig Sawyers]

The 3rd Affair 

A mortician was working late one night. 

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, 
About to be cremated, 
And made a startling discovery. 
Schwartz had the largest private part 
He had ever seen! 

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician 
Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated 
With such an impressive private part. 
It must be saved for posterity.' 

So, he removed it, 
Stuffed it into his briefcase, 
And took it home. 

'I have something to show 
You won't believe,' he said to his wife, 
Opening his briefcase. 

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 
'Schwartz is dead!' 
 

[Craig Sawyers]

The 4th Affair 

A woman was in bed with her lover 
When she heard her husband 
Opening the front door. 

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' 

She rubbed baby oil all over him, 
Then dusted him with talcum powder. 

'Don't move until I tell you,' 
She said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 

'What's this?' the husband inquired 
As he entered the room..

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it 
So I got one for us, too.' 

No more was said, 
Not even when they went to bed. 

Around 2 AM the husband got up, 
Went to the kitchen and returned 
With a sandwich and a beer. 

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. 
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths 
And nobody offered me a damned thing..' 

[Craig Sawyers]

The 5th Affair 

A man walked into a cafe, 
Went to the bar and ordered a beer. 

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed... 

He glanced at the menu and asked: 
'How much for a nice juicy steak 
And a bottle of wine?' 

'A nickel,' the barman replied. 

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 
'Where's the guy who owns this place?' 

The bartender replied: 
'Upstairs, with my wife.' 

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs 
With your wife?' 

The bartender replied: 
'The same thing I'm doing 
To his business down here.' 

[Craig Sawyers]

The 6th & Final Affair 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. 

He looked up and said weakly: 
'I have something I must confess.' 

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 

'No,' he insisted, 
'I want to die in peace.. 
I slept with your sister, your best friend, 
her best friend, and your mother!' 

'I know,' she replied. 
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Edited May 26, 2019 by Craig Sawyers

[Dusty Chalk]

So, there's a farm. And on this farm there's a cow, a chicken, and horse. The three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar."

Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down."

"No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse."

"Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise."

So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "Oh man! That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass."

So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar."

Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down."

"Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow."

"Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise."

So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Dang, I wanna learn something too. But not like that."

Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here."

So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums."

Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down."

"Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken."

"Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums."

So chicken learns the drums, and he's amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what is that? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE."

So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us."

Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off.

Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blues, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it."

So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?"

[Dusty Chalk]

Stolen from Reddit:

 

[Dusty Chalk]

Went to my doctor about my hearing loss today.

He said: ‘Can you describe the symptoms?’

‘Sure,’ I said

‘Homer’s a fat lazy cunt and Marge has blue hair.’

[skullguise]

Been exchanging some one-liners with a co-worker...I can't believe he never heard this one.

What's Irish and comes out in the Spring?

Patio Furniture....

[Voltron]

Seriously never heard it? I think I would spell it Patty O'Furniture for more laughs 

[skullguise]

Paddy is best....but yeah, really surprised he (and several others in the area) hadn't heard it!

[Voltron]

Paddy -- you're right.

[Dusty Chalk]

Grasshopper:  Master, you have taught me well, may I show you what I am capable of?

The master releases two flies and pulls out his sword.  He nods at Grasshopper.  Grasshopper unsheathes his sword.  He watches them for a couple seconds, and then steel flashes, and two buzzings become one, as one of the flies falls.  Master swipes at the remaining fly and there is a fraction of a second of silence, then the buzzing resumes.  Grasshopper is confused.

Master:  Your fly is down, but mine will never have children.

[Dusty Chalk]

Y'all think there are sweat shops that make air conditioners?  Because that would fucking suck.

[wink]

Husband Down
A silent reminder of the dangers of shopping together.................
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.
They carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts
it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."
That's him, there in Aisle 5.

[Dusty Chalk]

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.  It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.  The difference is staggering.

[Mario_Fpolis]

On 7/8/2019 at 3:06 AM, wink said:

Husband Down
A silent reminder of the dangers of shopping together.................
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.
They carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts
it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."
That's him, there in Aisle 5.

 

It does the same trick, costs half the price and at least one of us will be happy with the results.

That´s how it is told around here.

[Augsburger]

From my Soviet friend-

For men, what is the difference between a golf ball and a G spot.

Men will keep looking for the golf ball.

Edited January 10, 2020 by Augsburger

[Dusty Chalk]

 

[Torpedo]

The One

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf. Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf. And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds. And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom. Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

[Emooze]

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

 

I prefer to tell dad jokes, even though I am not a dad.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm a faux pa.

Edited January 18, 2020 by Emooze