Jokes

[Dusty Chalk]

Post your jokes here.

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together.

God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.

God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

[deepak]

3 doctors go out duck hunting. The first guy, a psychiatrist takes out a gun bam nails a duck and kills it. He wonders

"why did I just do that?"

"did I get any pleasure killing another animal?"

"is this right? oh jeez I think I'm going to go home and analyze this situation a bit more and get myself sorted out"

Second guy the pathologist takes out his gun and kills another duck. He thinks to himself

"hmm...I wonder if that was actually a duck"

"I should probably go over there and have a closer look"

"make sure that was a duck by mounting some slides, finding out a bit more about it....then maybe having a conference with the other docs here"

The third guy a general surgeon pulls out this monster sized gun blows the duck out of the air, pretty much leaving no trace that it ever used to be a duck. He says:

"hey pathology go over there and make sure that was a duck"

-----

A woman and man meet up, both find out they're doctors but agree not to tell either one what field they're in until after sex. The sex is great, afterwards both of them are exhausted and they're both lieing in bed, and they start to try to figure out what the other one is.

The male says "wow you were great, really rough throwing me around I loved it! Let me guess you're an orthopedic surgeon?"

female says "absolutely thats right! Let me guess you're an anesthesiologist?"

male "yeah of course, how'd you know?"

female "that was easy, I couldn't feel a thing!"

[aerius]

As told to the class by one of my university profs.

A group of Polish tourists is flying on a small airplane through the Grand Canyon on a sightseeing tour. The tour guide announces: "On the right of the airplane, you can see the famous Bright Angle Falls." The tourists leap out of their seats and crowd to the windows to see the falls and the plane violently loses control and crashes. Why?

There were too many poles on the right side of the plane.

[foo_me]

One of my favorites and seems to fit with head-case

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1999

and a drum roll............! .....

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." -- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

[Salt Peanuts]

there are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.

Damnit, you beat to it!

-------------------------------

Q. Why did the first monkey fall off the tree?

A. Because it was dead.

Q. Why did the second monkey fall of the tree?

A. Monkey see, monkey do.

Q. Why did the third monkey fall of the tree?

A. Peer pressure.

[grawk]

You're on headcase, you can use the word fuck. When you don't, it seems like you're the mormon in the strip club.

One of my favorites and seems to fit with head-case

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1999

and a drum roll............! .....

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." -- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

[boomana]

Not great, but I never remember jokes and someone emailed this to me. For Nate, Mike and Al:

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you''re an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What?? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Happy Camper]

Good boom.

A magician is performing during dinner on a cruise ship. The Captain has a parrot at his table who starts telling the tricks. "It's up his sleeve..., It's behind his back... etc. Well the parrot was getting on the magician's nerves and he's getting pissed. In the early morning, the ship hits an iceburg and sinks.

Two days later the magician comes to on a piece of debris and finds the parrot at the end just staring a hole through him. So he stares back with hate and spite, determined not to let this fucking parrot beat him. This goes on for three days until finally the parrots says, "OK, I give, where's the ship?"

[postjack]

Good boom.

A magician is performing during dinner on a cruise ship. The Captain has a parrot at his table who starts telling the tricks. "It's up his sleeve..., It's behind his back... etc. Well the parrot was getting on the magician's nerves and he's getting pissed. In the early morning, the ship hits an iceburg and sinks.

Two days later the magician comes to on a piece of debris and finds the parrot at the end just staring a hole through him. So he stares back with hate and spite, determined not to let this fucking parrot beat him. This goes on for three days until finally the parrots says, "OK, I give, where's the ship?"

that actually gave me a chuckle.

here's a joke:

If you goto a bakery, and they try to sell you day old baked goods, tell em 'what the fuck is this shit, just throw it out!'

[wrecked_porsche]

Got this joke in my email, format is a little messed up, tried to fix it, gets worse so WTF, I'm posting it anyway.

God created the donkey

and said to him.

'You will be a donkey. You will work from

sunrise to sunset

carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass,

you will have no intelligence and you will live 50

years.'

The donkey answered:

'I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me

only 20years'

God granted his wish.

..........................................................

...................................

God created the dog

and said to him:

'You will guard the house of man. You will be his best

Friend.

You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will

live 30years.

You will be a dog. '

The dog answered:

'Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only 15years.

' God granted his wish.

..........................................................

...................................

God created the monkey

and said to him:

'You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to

branch doing tricks.

You will be amusing and you will live

20years. '

The monkey answered:

'To live 20years is too much, give me only 10years.'

God granted his wish.

..........................................................

...................................

Finally God created man...

and said to him:

'You will be man, the only rational creature on the face

of the earth.

You will use your intelligence to become master over all

the animals..

You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years.'

Man responded:

'Sir, I will be a man but to live only

20 years is very little,

give me the 30 years that the donkey refused,

the 15years that the dog did not want and

the 10years the monkey refused.

' God granted man's wish

..........................................................

...................................

And since then, man lives

20 years as a man,

marries and spends

30 years like a donkey,

working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown,

he lives 15years like a dog taking care of the house

and eating whatever is given to him,

so that when he is old,

he can retire and live 10years like a monkey,

going from house to house and from one son or

daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his

grandchildren.

[LFF]

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

[LFF]

A very rich man is dying and he calls upon 3 of his most trusted men, his doctor, his business partner and his lawyer. He tells them he wants nothing more from life but to take all his money with him, so he takes all his cash, divides it three ways and instructs all them to put it in a container and bury it with him at his funeral when he dies.

Sure enough, the rich old man dies a few weeks later and all 3 of his trusted men show up. The doctor approached the hole in the ground and drops a big briefcase on top of the coffin. The business partner approached the hole and drops also drops in a big briefcase with all the money on top of the coffin. The lawyer approaches and drops a small envelope on top of the coffin.

Afterward, as all three men are leaving, both the doctor and the business partner are wondering how the lawyer managed to put his share of the money in such a small container. The both approach the lawyer and ask "Hey, did you keep most of the money?"

The lawyer responds, "NO!"

The doctor and business man appear puzzled and demand an explanation.

The lawyer smiles and says, "I did give all his money back, every penny of it. I simply wrote a check for the full amount. He can cash it anytime he wishes."

[LFF]

Two gay guys show up to a gay Halloween party and proceed to enter only to be denied access. One of the two gay guys demand an explanation and the doorman says that the party is a costume party and since they have no costumes, they are not allowed to come in.

The two gay men, desperate for attention, go around the block, find a long stick, break it in half and each one jams one part of the stick into their butt and proceed to party once more.

The doorman once again denies them admission for not having a costume.

They both reply merrily, "Buy honey, can't you tell we have come back as lollipops."

[Beefy]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.

He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!

The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!!"

[GPH]

[LFF]

This is so true, yet we fall for them all the time.

[Jeepster]

What do Jordache Jeans and Motel Six have in common?

No Ballroom!

[Duggeh]

What's yellow and can't swim?

A JCB.

[Knuckledragger]

Why doesn't anyone tell jokes about Jonestown?

The punch lines are too long.

[manaox2]

In an effort to bring back dusty chalk:

Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field one fine summer day. While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks.

"Look! a pair of tracks" The first blonde said while pointing to the ground.

"Those are deer tracks," the other blonde replied.

"Oh no,” she said to the first, "Those are definitely moose tracks." With this, they began to argue.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

If that doesn't work, then:

What has a head, antlers, four legs, a tail and sees equally from both ends?

A dead moose.

[Knuckledragger]

Defintion of "turd burglar'

In Quebec, the thief who follows the first burglar and the second burglar.

We arrested de first two burglars, but de turd burglar got away.

[Old Pa]

#1 A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and why in that location. She responded, "It's really cool. If you put your ear up against the tattoo you can smell the ocean."

#2 One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your mother?"

"No," the boy said, "She works for the DEMOCRATIC National Committee and is helping to get BARACK OBAMA to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[choomanchoo]

Are racial jokes ok?

[Fungi]

Only if it's equal opportunity.

[guzziguy]

It never seems to be equal. I'd say not posting racial jokes is a smarter strategy.