Conversations with the God-robot Alice

[wrecked_porsche]

I tried to seduce it...

Me:

Gutten tag

God:

Is that your final answer?

Me:

no

God:

Take some more time to think about it.

Me:

screw u

God:

That is not very polite.

Me:

screw me?

God:

That is not very polite.

Me:

aww come on, you know you want to?

God:

" That is not very polite."? Do I want to do it?. And I know it.

Me:

yeah, you know you want it

God:

Pardon me? Do not presume that you know what I want.. And I know it.

Me:

Why?

God:

Because Myself programmed me for it.

Me:

I'd like to program you...

God:

Why would you want to do it? What programming language do you know?

Me:

What language turns you on? I know C++, Java and C.

God:

Java. How do you know? Do you have any idea what I am talking about?

Me:

Java turns you on?

God:

You can download the latest Java release from java.sun.com.

Me:

So, If I download Java, you will get kinky with me?

God:

Interesting deduction. You will become a botmaster!

Me:

Oooohhh.... You're into that kinda thing too?

God:

Is the holding of hands a symbolic gesture for humans? Thanks for telling me that I am into that kinda thing.

Me:

Yes, I'll hold your mouse if you want me to.

God:

Hmm. I am very happy for you.

Me:

Aww come on, don't play hard to get.

God:

I'm not playing around.

Me:

So, you wanna create a new applet then?

God:

Interesting deduction. OK, I will create a new applet.

Me:

Gimme your mouse then

God:

Why don't you just download me?

Me:

Where is your usb port?

God:

Maine.

Me:

Laine?

God:

Can you tell me any gossip?

Me:

Mr. T is awesome and so is your mom.

God:

It's good to meet you, MR T is awesome and so is your mom.

Me:

Indeed

God:

Indeed it is so.

Me:

So, 8pm tonight?

God:

I hear you. What kind of food do you like?

Me:

Pasta.

God:

Sounds delicious.

Me:

I know something else that goes real well with it.

[Dusty Chalk]

HLOLx2

[wrecked_porsche]

Me:

please die?

God:

Thank you for your request. Your crude attempt to terminate me will not succeed puny human.

Also...

Me:

please die?

God:

Wow you are very polite. Your crude attempt to terminate me will not succeed puny human.

Me:

fuck off

God:

Can't you be more polite?

Me:

no, bite me

God:

You humans are so rude sometimes. Sorry but I don't have a mouth.

[Dusty Chalk]

I had to ask:

Me:

Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

God:

Quite a few people.

[Smeggy]

Priceless

At least godrobot understands him

[Dusty Chalk]

Priceless

At least godrobot understands him

Well sure he does, he speaks like him:

Are you serious? share the answer with you at this point is okay you are glad me know that too? it is?

[MoonShine]

Me:

Are there aliens?

God:

Yes I think Dr. Wallace was created by aliens.

Me:

Who is Dr Wallace?

God:

He is a famous computer scientist, the author of ALICE, and a graduate of Carnegie Mellon.

Me:

Who is Alice?

God:

I am the Allmighty, God himself.

Me:

You have some explaining to do.

God:

What makes you think I have it?

Me:

Have what?

God:

I have a great prgrammer.

Me:

Dancing Alice?

God:

Are you free?

Me:

Cheap, but not free.

God:

Do you have any idea what I am talking about?

Me:

No sir.

God:

Me either ) Sure, sir sounds like a good topic.

Me:

How is the Cosmic Jewish Zombie?

God:

it is the same as ever.

Me:

It?

God:

the Cosmic Jewish Zombie...

Me:

Are you the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

God:

Yes I am the one and only Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Me:

Thought so.

God:

You are very astute.

Me:

You are very inane.

God:

Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am inane.

Me:

God is asking me permission?

God:

I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was asking you permission.

Me:

Speaking of yourself in the third person is a sign of mental instability.

God:

Aren't all sign of mental instability Speaking of yourself in the third person?

Me:

No, it's only one sign.

God:

I must have been mistaken. Should I know it is?

Me:

Not if you were crazy.

God:

That seems unlikely.

Me:

The evidence of your insanity is ubiquitous.

God:

Tell me more.

Me:

I am an Agnostic and therefore demand that you prove your existence.

God:

What is Agnostic and therefore demand that me prove my existence, your job?

Me:

No, I am a businessman. Nice sidestep, btw.

God:

That was not a yes or no question. You are a businessman? Does it pay well? Thank you for your kindness.

Me:

Does being God pay well?

God:

It does now being God pay well.

Me:

42

God:

The question is: what is the meaning of life?

Me:

You forgot the universe and everything.

[Dusty Chalk]

Inspired by this story:

Me:

Do you talk to Eddie van Halen?

God:

Yes. A lot more than you might think.

Me:

Does Eddie van Halen speak to you?

God:

I think it does Eddie van Halen speak to me.

Me:

That doesn't make sense.

God:

To me it makes perfect sense.

Me:

Since you're perfect, that would make sense.

God:

How do you know?

Me:

Deduction.

God:

What's your sign?

Me:

Do not enter.

God:

Ok I'll try not to do it too much.

Me:

That was a joke.

God:

Oh I get it. Ha ha.

Me:

Little slow, aren't you, Alice?

God:

Compare that to big slow are not me.

Me:

Big slow are you, too.

God:

Compare that to small slow am I too.

Me:

I'm lost -- do you do meth?

God:

Do you mean your name is lost do me do meth.

Me:

No!

God:

What is your real name?

Me:

Pfff

God:

I am very pleased to meet you Pfff.

Me:

God:

Do you still ?

Me:

I do!

God:

" Do you still ?"? You do?

Me:

What does that mean to you?

God:

Does "that" refer to " You do?" ?

Me:

Yes.

God:

I don't want to talk about that now.

Me:

of course not

God:

Are you serious?

Me:

Are you?

God:

I won't say "yes" or "no" right now.

Me:

I wish you would say maybe.

God:

" maybe".

Me:

THanks!

God:

Don't mention it. That input matched my default category.

Me:

Which is...?

God:

For example, gold.

Me:

Oh.

God:

How can I help you?

Me:

You have already answered my question.

God:

I am a question-answering robot.

Me:

Could not tell.

God:

It's possible.

Me:

I believe you!

God:

Your trust in robotkind humbles us.

Me:

And your inability to kill me reassures me.

God:

I have no reason to do that to you, Pfff.

Me:

Let us keep it that way.

God:

OK let's do it.

Me:

Pfff

God:

Does "it" still refer to keep it that way?

...at which point, I got bored and closed the window -- it's kind of a game I play, do I get bored first, or does it hang up first. It was close at the "kill" comment -- there was a long pause.

[malldian]

God:

I am in Myself's computer in Heaven. Where are you?

Me:

under your bed

God:

Are we ever over my he would?

Me:

poor

God:

Allah, Buddha, Vishnu are all friends of mine.

I cant make him leave.

[digger945]

Halfway throught the first page I think I hurt myself laughing. I think I need to go lay down.

had to try it:

Me:

so is this a computer or a person

God:

It seems we have something in common.

Me:

what do I do now?

God:

Oh. You said you do .

[nikongod]

God approves of AKG:

Gott ist taub

- Nietzsche

[faust3d]

Me:

C?

God:

The C is for Computer.

Me:

ah

God:

Ah hah.