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Dusty Chalk Super Secret Ultra Gold Member

Dusty Chalk

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Thanks guys.

That video makes it look almost horrific, especially with the screaming.

Time for those demolition experts to find a new field of work. I vaguely remember seeing a documentary stating that the company that was largely the subject of the documentary did more than 50% of all demolitions, and for a reason. They would have been able to design the blast so that the structure collapsed upon itself, rather than there even being a chance of it going in the wrong direction.

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Knuckledragger Super Secret Ultra Gold Member

Knuckledragger

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I'm up way too early, so here's some oooldschool humor.

You are reading article 3 of alt.usenet.manifestoes.

[Next] [Previous] [index]

Kibo's HappyNet Manifesto

From: [email protected] (James "Kibo" Parry)

Subject: IMPORTANT PROCLAMATION: THE FUTURE OF THE NET IS AT HAND!

Distribution: world,alt,happynet,secretdistribution

Date: Sat, 2 Apr 1994 09:48:40 GMT

Approved: by all right-thinking persons everywhere!

P R O C L A M A T I O N & M A N I F E S T O

***********************************************

WHEREAS, the computer network named USENET has insurmountable flaws:

=> It is cluttered with thousands of disorganized groups.

=> It is difficult to use due to the various software interfaces.

=> It is infected with viruses, especially in the .signatures.

=> There is no formal rulebook and no official administration.

=> Bozos abound.

=> Power-crazed maniacs frequently try to manipulate Usenet at their whim.

These problems are most important. THEREFORE, in an official and secret

democratic vote, Kibo has been duly elected LEADER OF THE NET. To correct

this heinous situation, LEADER KIBO has decided to take bold measures,

a brave new initiative, detailed herein.

WAKE UP, IT'S 1994! THE FUTURE WILL NOT WAIT FOR A VOTE!

Here is what Leader Kibo has decided--what MUST be done--what WILL be done:

PHASE ONE. GLOBAL RMGROUPS FOR ALL USENET GROUPS WILL BE

ISSUED ON 4/15/94, 06:00 GMT.

A Day Without Usenet shall pass, and it will be a time of rest for

government employees. Many will discover life, or at least television.

Desperate soc.singles readers will have nervous breakdowns. ClariNet

will go bankrupt. UUNET's modems will cool off. The world

will rotate a full three hundred sixty degrees just the same.

Every Usenet group, and all its associated problems, will have been

wiped off the face of the Earth forever by the might of the rmgroup.

Of course, to prevent any power-crazed maniacs from putting the

groups back, the newsgroup `control' will be rmgrouped FIRST. Thus,

the situation will be permanent. Nobody will undo the Pax Kibotica!

PHASE TWO. NEWGROUPS FOR THE GROUPS IN THE NEW HIERARCHY WILL

BE ISSUED ON 4/16/43, 06:00 GMT.

The new network shall be named HAPPYNET, as it will be a Better Place.

Usenet is dead. Long live HappyNet!

********* HAPPYNET: THE NET THAT'S HAPPIER THAN YOU! *********

UNDER THE AUSPICES OF THE ALL-WISE LEADER KIBO,

THE NEW NETWORK SHALL BE ORGANIZED THUSLY:

Three hierarchies encompassing ALL HUMAN DISCOURSE:

=> nonbozo.*

=> bozo.*

=> megabozo.*

All topics discussed on Usenet, and even deeper topics which COULD

be discussed on Usenet but AREN'T, will fit nicely in those three--

NO EXCEPTIONS. Extensive time and motion studies have been

performed in the name of efficiency to maximize your pleasure!

Existing groups will be moved into the new organization

scheme, resulting in nonbozo.news.announce.newusers, bozo.rec.pets,

megabozo.talk.bizarre, nonbozo.comp.virus, bozo.alt.sex,

megabozo.alt.fan.lemurs, bozo.postmodern, megabozo.org.mensa,

nonbozo.clari.news.urgent, megabozo.megabozo.megabozo.religion.kibology,

etc., as determined by scientific measurements of the bozosity of the

groups, measured by Leader Kibo's Council On Scientific Bozosity and the

faculty of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (Troy, NY), world leaders in

bozosity assessment. These truly scientific procedures were developed

and pre-tested by Drs. Todd M. McComb and Tim Gallagher and are patented

to prove that they are good!

It is estimated that the statistical breakdown of HappyNet will be thus:

1.0000% nonbozo.*

90.0000% bozo.*

9.0000% megabozo.* (Computations courtesy of Bell Labs)

Bozo.* will, of course, be subdivided logically: bozo.nerd.*, bozo.tv.*,

bozo.inane.*, bozo.boring.*, bozo.sex.*, bozo.argue.*.

New groups will also be added for MAXIMUM ENJOYMENT. The network would

be a very unfair place if only Leader Kibo were allowed to propose new

groups. Instead, because Leader Kibo is benevolent and omnisagaciously

father-like, he will create WHATEVER GROUP YOU WANT (even, say,

megabozo.kibo.is.a.blenny!) provided that (a) you follow the Official

Procedure, filing all five copies of your request in triplicate and then

making seven carbons of each, and (B) you pay Leader Kibo $160 for each

letter in the new group's name, and $720 for each period. UNLIKE SOME

ARCHAIC SYSTEMS, VOWELS DO NOT COST EXTRA. PAT SAJAK IS EVIL!

Of course, thanks to Leader Kibo's awesome foresight, new groups will

probably not be needed. A simple computer program will generate all

groupnames from *.aaaaa.aaaaa.aaaaa.aaaaa to *.zzzzz.zzzzz.zzzzz.zzzzz.

This will encompass ALL possibilities in a COMPLETELY LOGICAL FASHION,

maximally efficient yet FUN! Prudence and foresight by LEADER KIBO!

There will even be a .d group for every regular group. In fact,

the .d groups will even have their own .d.d groups for metadiscussion

of whether or not the new .d.d.d and .d.d.d.d groups are needed at all!

The wealth of new groups will also cut down on those annoying egomaniacal

posters who try to post the same article to EVERY group, because it will

become physically impossible to post to ALL groups within a MORTAL LIFETIME!

But wait, there's more--over six billion groups MORE will be added at

HappyNet's inception--free of charge!

********* HAPPYNET: EVERYONE IS EQUALLY EQUAL! *********

To promote EQUALITY and POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (the good kind), Leader

Kibo has decided to correct the inequality of the distribution of

"personal" groups. Some people, or groups of people, currently are

popular enough to have groups named in their honor: alt.weemba,

alt.fan.john-palmer, alt.fan.monty-python, alt.fan.dave-barry,

alt.fan.mike-jittlov, alt.fan.naked-guy, alt.religion.kibology,

alt.fan.alok-vijayvargia, alt.fan.harry-mandel. Because everyone is

equal before the eyes of wise Leader Kibo, it was decided that EVERYONE

WILL HAVE THEIR OWN GROUP on HappyNet. This will celebrate the

global diversity of our users, demonstrating for once and for all

that they are all unique, but unique in exactly the same way!

A scientific questionnaire developed specifically for the purpose will be

mailed to everyone on the planet. It will read:

Dear Citizen Of The New Network,

You are being given your own HappyNet group. Its placement

will depend on your answer to this simple question.

ARE YOU A BOZO? (CHECK EXACTLY ONE) [] YES [] NO

I care,

Leader Kibo

People who answer "yes" will be given groups in bozo.personal.*, and

people who answer "no" will be given groups in megabozo.personal.*.

People who refuse to answer, or show contempt for the process, will be

taken (by the Network Security Patrol Force) to the Citadel Of Judgment

to appear before the Council Of Bozosity, who will examine the person and

assign them either bozo.weenie.* or megabozo.weenie.*.

Of course, this would be POINTLESS if anyone in the world were DENIED

ACCESS to HappyNet.

********* HAPPYNET: A NET IN EVERY POT! *********

Net access will be provided to EVERY SINGLE PERSON, LIVING, UNBORN, OR

DEAD, thanks to the new TELESCREENS which will be installed in every room

of every building on the planet. Not only will this encourage higher net

communications volume, it will also help Leader Kibo be a good leader, as

it will allow Leader Kibo to instantly broadcast to all his subjects, and

to see how they are feeling and what they are doing.

But simple TELESCREENS in LIVING ROOMS, BEDROOMS, and BATHROOMS are

not enough to ensure FREEDOM and EQUALITY. Neural transceivers will

be implanted, FREE, at BIRTH in all newborns, allowing them to "jack in"

to HappyNet, transmitting articles, sounds, and even GIF files at

the speed of thought! They won't even have to worry about spelling--

they'll just THINK and their EVERY THOUGHT will be broadcast into

EVERYONE ELSE'S HEADS!

And because Leader Kibo CARES and values YOUR opinion, this will even

allow Leader Kibo to know what his subjects are THINKING, thanks to the

heroic actions of the NETWORK SECURITY PATROL FORCE.

********* HAPPYNET: WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING *********

The Network Security Patrol Force, or NSPF, will be composed of volunteer

system administrators who wish to enforce the continued accuracy,

relevance, and acceptability of HappyNet postings. They will monitor,

censor, and cancel bad postings, made by EVIL SUBVERSIVES who attempt to

DEPRIVE you of your HAPPINESS. These SUPPRESSIVE PERSONS will be

hunted down and suppressed!

NSPF officers have really spiffy uniforms, especially the shiny gas masks,

well-balanced batons, six-inch-thick shoulder pads and twelve-inch cleats.

And, of course, they will punish evildoers, night or day. HappyNet

never sleeps.

********* HAPPYNET: SLEEP TIGHT WITH ALL THE SECURITY IN THE WORLD! *********

But what of those EVIL organizations that simply want to SPY on you? Well,

the NSPF won't have to even TRY to prevent that, because the LOGICAL PLAN

of HAPPYNET will defeat that automatically! If some three-letter government

agency wants to SCAN all articles for WORDS LIKE "NUCLEAR BOMB" or

"WHITEWATER", it will be IMPOSSIBLE because not even the fastest

computer in the WORLD--the CRAY-9000--could search ALL THOSE GROUPS, EVER!!!

********* HAPPYNET: ACCURACY IS EVERYTHING ON HAPPYNET! *********

Here are examples of infractions against the unwritten rules of HappyNet,

and the punishments the NSPF will bring against the villains.

.signature longer than four lines: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110

baud.

.signature has giant ASCII graphic: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110

baud on a Braille terminal after having fingers rubbed with sandpaper.

Posting an article consisting solely of "Me too!": Poster's legal name is

officially changed to "Me Too".

Calling a newsgroup a "bboard" or "notesfile": Forced to memorize

Webster's Ninth.

Spelling "too" as "to", "it's" as "its", "lose" as "loose", "you're"

as "your", or any of the following--"wierd", "Anti-Semetic", "senerio",

or "masterbation": Forced to write out Webster's Ninth ten times.

Asking what ":-)" means: Drawing, quartering, and turning sideways.

Using "<g> instead of ":-)": being sent back to GEnie, AOL, Delphi, etc.

Sending a newgroup message without permission of Leader Kibo: Poster is

forced to adopt twelve wacky sitcom children.

Posting flames outside of a *.flame group: Poster is allowed to read only

groups about fluffy puppies.

Posting "Please send e-mail, since I don't read this group": Poster is

rendered illiterate by a simple trepanation.

*Plonk*ing outside talk.bizarre: Poster is *plonked*--LITERALLY.

Asking for people to send cards to Craig Shergold: Poster must answer

all of Craig's mail.

Posting the "Dave Rhodes: MAKE MONEY FAST" scam: Poster must answer all

of Craig's and Dave's mail while also memorizing the script to every

episode of "Knight Rider" and doing voice exercises like saying

"NANCY, HAND THE MAN THE DANDY CANDY" ten million times and also

being forced to eat cottage cheese we found piled up on the sidewalk.

Posting to aus.* from the USA: Poster is deported to Australia after having

a "Kick Me, Mate" sign glued to their forehead.

Posting an article with a malformed address so that mail bounces when

people reply: Poster and/or their admin are sent back to kindergarten.

.signature huge script letters: Poster is forced to tattoo HappyNet

slogans on their body in huge script letters.

Excess CAPITALIZATION & PUNCTUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Poster is issued a new

keyboard without capitals or punctuation. The space bar will be clearly

labelled.

*Excess*asterisks*in*.signature*: Poster is hit with one shuriken for

each asterisk.

Articles quoted in followup, but no new semantic content appended: Poster

is forced to watch a "Small Wonder" marathon on cable TV.

Advertising on the net: Poster is forced to pay Leader Kibo for the

advertising time.

Asking help for some program but not saying what sort of computer you're

using: Poster's computer is reduced to 1K RAM.

Arguing over whose computer is better: Being introduced to Leader Kibo,

whose custom Turbissimo MoNDO Zeugma 6866688786/XA/sxe/IV computer is far

better than theirs and will make them cry in humiliation.

Giving away the secret of "The Crying Game": No punishment.

Making fools of people in rec.org.mensa with pranks: No punishment

necessary for something that simple. After all, some people could

even do it by accident.

Referring to the NSPF as "The Thought Police": Execution.

Humor impairment: Execution.

Saying "Imminent death of the net predicted!": Imminent execution of

poster predicted.

Mentioning Star Trek outside of the Star Trek groups: "Star Trek:

Deep Space Nine" is cancelled, and all tapes of the original series are

burned. William Shatner will direct all future movies.

There are other helpful rules and regulations, but they are double secret.

Of course, various branches of the NSPF will specialize in various

enforcements: the Spelling Squad, the Grammar Goons, the Definition

Draconians, the Typo Tyrants, the Capitalization Captains, the Pedantic

Patriots, the Cross-Post Crushers, the Cascade Commandos, and

the .signature .specialforce. There will even be a special detail to

track down, and burn, copies of the Green Golfball Joke.

********* HAPPYNET: MODERATION IN ALL THINGS! *********

The concept of moderated groups will be retained for a few groups,

with minor changes.

Alt.flame (renamed megabozo.alt.flame) will be moderated by Dave Lawrence,

as his news.announce.newgroups duties have been assumed by Leader Kibo.

Dick Depew will be assigned the task of making up an imaginative

Message-ID for every article in the world. (He will also unleash random

daemons onto the net to destroy the unpleasant signal to noise ratio

completely.)

A program that determines how funny an article is by measuring the

frequency of the "k" sound (an elementary comedic principle discovered in

Kukamonga, Arkansas) will replace rec.humor.funny moderator Maddi Hausmann,

allowing her to devote full time to assisting Brad Templeton's

nonbozo.clarinet.* duties.

Serdar Argic will be the official underliner of HappyNet. Every time

the word "turkey" is mentioned, he will post a followup underlining and

circling it. This will be a tremendous help to people looking for

low-fat recipes.

Jay O'Connell has volunteered to personally deliver an envelope labelled

THESE ARE ALL THE TOPLESS PICTURES OF MARINA SIRTIS THERE ARE to all

users to prevent them from asking for them over and over. This should

reduce the bandwidth by an estimated 90%.

Iain Sinclair will ensure that the link between Australia and the rest of

the world is down on a regular schedule, instead of an irregular one.

He has also been commissioned to design the NSPF uniforms, with the

blessings of the Florida Citrus Council and the California Leather Council.

And, of course, a world-class anonymous-posting server will be

established. Not only will it remove your name from your postings (so

that you don't have to worry about defending your opinions) but it will

also eliminate the opinions themselves. Thus, don't be surprised to see

a lot of anonymous postings in bozo.alt.sex.stories saying simply

"I have no opinion on homosexuality." HappyNet will help us all to get

along, even the people with no names.

But what about those disclaimers that state that your opinion is not

that of IBM, McDonalds, MIT, Scientology, etc.?

Disclaimers are NOT required on articles, therefore you MUST include

the following:

DISCLAIMER: THIS DISCLAIMER IS NOT REQUIRED BY LEADER KIBO.

THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT NECESSARILY REPRESENT THE OPINIONS OF LEADER KIBO.

THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT NECESSARILY DISAGREE WITH LEADER KIBO EITHER.

HAVE A NICE DAY!

Also, for your protection, Leader Kibo has filed a copyright claim on

HappyNet. Thus, any postings without a copyright notice become the

intellectual property of Kibo. This will keep random people from

commercially exploiting your ideas, because they won't be

YOUR ideas any more! It's THAT SIMPLE. STREAMLINE EVERYTHING!

******** HAPPYNET: A BLAST TO LIGHT OUR GLOWING FUTURE! ********

HappyNet as currently implemented is just one communications medium.

But this will blast our way into the foundation of the future:

Eventually, HappyNet will be expanded to replace the other

`conventional' media, such as newspapers, television, radio, standup

comedy, and sex. .signatures will be sixty-second commercials. Alt.sex

(bozo.alt.sex) will be interactive and finally worth reading.

A PBS series, "Great RFCs, Past and Present" will be filmed to replace

the boring old text RFCs. A Fox series, hosted by Dr. Ruth Westheimer,

will replace "Emily Postnews".

The Sony Walkman will become obsolete thanks to the Sony rnman. The

instructions will be on a separate device, the Sony manman.

Once everyone in the world is hooked into the giant HappyNet neural

network and their brains merge into one gigantic community of mind

(with an IQ well over THREE HUNDRED!), local events will be instantly

communicated everywhere in the world. For example, people in Sri Lanka

will be able to INSTANTLY receive dozens of "Hey, we're having a minor

earthquake here in San Francisco RIGHT NOW!" postings INSTANTLY, instead

of having to wait weeks. Rumors of such important events as DeForest

Kelley's death will also propagate instantly, but this is not really

a drawback: it enables the NSPF to detect them and snuff them out faster!

HappyNet is an important part of this well-balanced future. In fact,

it is the ONLY part. Without HappyNet, there could be no future.

Usenet paves the road to misery and ruin with its cascades, cross-posts,

flame wars, forgeries, and .signature viruses. HappyNet does not pave

this road--where it's going, we don't NEED roads! HappyNet bravely

journeys into an unknown, but not unpleasant future. Everyone WILL

be happy, happier than human beings can possibly be.

Although it will take HappyNet months, maybe years, to improve all

areas of daily existence in all possible ways, it will be obvious to

the most casual reader that HappyNet is better than Usenet.

Those who aren't casual readers--well, they will come to agree.

In time, they will even love me. In fact, soon they will beg to

love me! But I, Leader Kibo, want only the best for everyone.

After all, I am one of the readers of Usenet, so I can make the

readers of Usenet happy by making me happy FIRST. DEATH TO USENET!

LONG LIVE HAPPYNET! TO THE MOON!

********* HAPPYNET: YOU CONTROL HOW IT CONTROLS YOU *********

You are at the end of article 3 of alt.usenet.manifestoes.

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