The Mitch Hedberg thread

[Dusty Chalk]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftCcH5PMeIM

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I got a king size bed. I don

[en480c4]

A couple of my favorites:

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufresne, party of two, table ready for Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufresnes.

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3am, and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3am, and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at 10 and say, "Hey I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!

And quite possibly the best of them all!

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

[JBLoudG20]

May he rest in peace, he was a classic.