Heckling Help. I think I've come to the right place for ideas.

[boomana]

Yes, what the title says. I need help. Apparently, the almuni committee where I work voted, and I was chosen, among a few others, to be in a dunk tank for a fund-raising event tomorrow where alumni, family, and other staff puchase balls to throw. I have just been told I am supposed to heckle the throwers. This is sooooo not my forte. The only things I can think of to say probably are what got me in the voted in the dunk tank in the first place, but hardly heckles, or else wildly inappropriate things that would guarantee I'd never be in the dunk tank again, as I would have no more job. Anyway, have at it peoples. I know this is a talented bunch. Give me your best lines.

[MoonShine]

Are you sure you're not left handed?

Dick Cheney has better aim!

[Augsburger]

I'll get back to you once the wine bar opens this evening.

[Hopstretch]

You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!

You couldn't hit your head on a low ceiling!

That's actually a pretty good effort for a person with your physical limitations.

Take your time, I'm up here for the next hour.

Straighten arm, then release ball.

Wow. You really suck.

[Voltron]

Think pitching in baseball and you'll find such classics as these:

• Yoko Ono's got better pitch control than you
  
• I've seen better pitching in T-ball!
  
• Call the zoo, he's getting wild!
  
• You've got about as much control as two rabbits on their first date!
  
• Hey, lunch meat - keep serving that baloney!
  
• How can you throw with both hands wrapped around your neck?
  
• You couldn't pitch hot biscuits to a hungry dog
  
• I've seen a better arm on a box of baking soda!
  
• I've seen better arms on a beanbag chair!
  

http://www.heckledep...itcher-heckles/

http://baseballtips.com/humor.html

[The Monkey]

FUCK YOU I'M GONNA GET OUT OF THIS TANK AND SLAP YOUR STUPID FACE YOU DIPSHIT.

(too much?)

[Audiojunkie]

FUCK YOU I'M GONNA GET OUT OF THIS TANK AND SLAP YOUR STUPID FACE YOU DIPSHIT.

(too much?)

Not too much IMO.

[Voltron]

FUCK YOU I'M GONNA GET OUT OF THIS TANK AND SLAP YOUR STUPID FACE YOU DIPSHIT.

(too much?)

Too much what? Too much awesome? Just enough in my book.

[Grahame]

Somewhat related

This technique is known as sledging in cricket, but tends to be more specific, aimed at the particular player, rather than a general insult.

leading to one of the best exchanges ....

• McGrath: Why are you so fat?
  
• Brandes: Because every time I f**k your wife she gives me a biscuit.
  

[HeadphoneAddict]

"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

Edited November 9, 2012 by HeadphoneAddict

[cutestory]

"You couldn't hit the side of a barn with the rest of the world!"

"You're a danger to yourself—not others!"

"There's this concept called a 'target.' It's the thing you keep missing."

[blessingx]

If it's easier just scream compliments... with a sarcastic voice. Or better yet confuse them and just scream compliments.

Edited November 9, 2012 by blessingx

[Dusty Chalk]

If someone doesn't hit something soon, I'm going to reach over and dunk myself.

And then you can get all dada-ist and respond in an entirely different direction:

Do you kiss your mama with that mouth?

Here, maybe this will help -- pretend it's your mama. Because I'd hit that.

You throw like your face.

This water isn't going to come up and surround me.

This babe ain't dunking herself.

The breeze will keep me cool, 'cause it sure as hell ain't going to be the water.

[Grahame]

If its a guy

* you throw like a girl

if its a girl

* you throw like yo mamma

Stephen Hawking could do better than you!

[swt61]

What's up with your wrist? Which team are you pitching for again?

Edited November 9, 2012 by swt61

[T-Bird]

• I saw your fastball pictured on the side of a milk carton!
  
• Wake me up when I get wet
  
• I've seen better pitchers at a Tupperware party!
  
• I've seen more heat in an EZ-Bake oven!
  
• Phoenix called. They want this dry weather I've been having
  
• We should arrange a funeral for your dead arm!
  

[deepak]

Bots coming up with zingers ftw

[boomana]

Okay, there are some good ones here, even though some could get me fired.

[crappyjones123]

I think you should stick with something simple and easy like, "you suck."

[boomana]

^ that one could get me fired. Remember, these are former patients, their families, and even staff's families with little kids. I can't be my normal self. Weird that in my groups I can have a fouler mouth than in the dunk tank, but it is what it is.

[Augsburger]

Well Dinny stole my suggestion......

[The Monkey]

^ that one could get me fired. Remember, these are former patients, their families, and even staff's families with little kids. I can't be my normal self. Weird that in my groups I can have a fouler mouth than in the dunk tank, but it is what it is.

So "You were in the drunk tank, now put me in the dunk tank!" would be bad?

[grawk]

"You throw like a junkie"

[boomana]

So "You were in the drunk tank, now put me in the dunk tank!" would be bad?

"You throw like a junkie"

Those are actually pretty good. I could get away with those.

[wink]

Your mother wears gumboots.

When you were born you were so ugly, the doctor slapped your mother.

You're in the wrong place, the zoo is down the road.

You throw up better than that.