Matt,
I understand. Truly. But you need to climb out from under that conceptual rock and face your deamons.
Yes, they're short and have pointy ears and fiery-red hell-fire eyes. They'll attempt to seduce you with...well, that's between you and them.
But you must resist.
Cast them out! And when you have done this deed, this manly deed, then you can stand on the mountain top, straight and true, with clear eyes and proclaim: "Yes! Verily I am one year older!"
Happy Birthday,
Michael