Update: I got a Win7 ISO and installed that, after a few tries, and the machine worked great... for about 30 hours. Then there were problems again. Tried installing the OEM again, didn't work, so I installed off the ISO again. It worked a couple hours then crashed a lot. I got it sent off a while ago and got it back today. They say all they did was reinstall windows to factory settings and update the BIOS (which is what I tried to do 14 times, with the discs they provided). Well, they installed it for the wrong model, but after some messing around with it I got everything I've come across to work.
So far, it hasn't bogged down yet. We'll see how it is in a few days, but for now, I have a working machine again. Thanks for all the help, guys... a couple of you, especially.
Next time, though... I'm just gonna get a MacBook Air. Screw it.
**BRENT**