Wmcmanus

^ It might all be made up. Who knows. Got it via email, and just posted it for fun. Didn't bother to fact check.

THE 2013 DARWIN AWARDS: You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2013 Darwin Awards: Eighth Place In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. Seventh Place A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run. Sixth Place While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. Fifth Place Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. Fourth Place Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. Third Place After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt. HONORABLE MENTION Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed. RUNNER UP Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located. AND THE WINNER IS.... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... IT IS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

Happy birthday, brother in bacon!

But you're quite advanced for your age. I think you could handle dating. They ought to make an exception for you.

The water main bursting is fake, but the church is real. http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/plans-change-shape-church-penis-article-1.1513939#ixzz2pmViihrK

It's funny because I don't even have to LOL. I honestly sometimes forget that it's winter.

I've got a problem now in the US because my Florida license expired on my birthday in September. No big deal, because I can drive in the US on my Cayman license, so I really wouldn't need a US license except... that my Atom and pickup truck are registered in Florida in my name. Used to be able to just walk into a DMV and boom, boom, boom, done. Now you need all sorts of proof that you're a Florida resident, which I'm not. Major PITA. Might have to get an Illinois driver's license (where I'm from originally and my mom still resides) and move the vehicle registrations to Illinois as well, or possibly add them to my Montana LLC. The motorhome, trailer, and Ducati are all registered in Montana, but it starts getting expensive if you add in too many vehicles. First world problems for sure, but still a major pain. EDIT!!! Spoke too soon! Must have just gotten bad advice from a friend in Florida who had be all paranoid. I just went online and renewed my Florida driver's license for $70. Of course, the pic won't look anything like the way I do now, but that's no big deal. Guy had me thinking that I'd need to fabricate some kind of lease agreement and utility bill, etc., or move everything to Illinois. Breathing easier, although I'll have to renew the vehicles in person because they are more than 8 months out of registration.

Just saw some pics on Facebook taken by Peter, showing Edwood with one of these gadgets at CES, so hopefully he'll chime in soon.

Moar orange is moar better. Now can we just close this thread? Please?

No shit, huh?

I thought it was quite funny, Dan! I'm glad you see the humor in it too. I guess Grawk was the closest match, and there are hundreds of numbers stored in my cell, so you should be honored.

I was just fidgeting with my Blackberry (I know, I'm behind the times and should have an iPhone or whatever). Anyway, I've had this phone for several years, but have never bothered to figure out what the physical buttons on the side of the thing are for. So I pressed one, and the voice activation system (which I didn't even know that it had) kicked in, and here's what happened next: Phone: "Say a command." Me: "Fuck off." Phone: "Did you say 'Call Grawk'?"

Almost 10 minutes, but it documents an epic motorcycle ride from Alaska to Argentina. Thankfully, he managed to avoid Nebraska. http://unofficialnetworks.com/modern-motorcycle-diaries-503-days-82459-miles-22-countries-122237/

Happy birthday! Oh, sorry... wrong thread.

Happy happy happy... have a good one, Jacob.

Agreed, definitely pillow phones, so long as you carefully flatten out the edges of the pillow near the cups such that they don't interfere with the intended presentation of the phones, and/or the seal. I do it all the time with heavy phones. Stax 4070 also comes to mind.

F'LICK.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/23bA_5yadxs

^ Thanks, man. I feel more and more like Santa every year, that's for sure! I'm starting to get the hang of it. I should also say, in fairness, that some of the best events I've ever done (and still do) are the ones that I do for free. I shouldn't really rip on those (very few) charitable organizations and community-based events that have gone bad and left a bad taste in my mouth, because they are the exceptions rather than the rule. There are countless others that I've done over the years where the organizers and all of the parents involved have been extremely grateful and kind to me. So you just learn to take the good with the bad.

By far, the biggest problems I've ever had with Santa events (dating back some 20 years) have been the ones that I did for free (for many, many years) for community organizations. If your price is zero, that's exactly the value they will place on your services. You show up on time and they're not ready. You wait around for 10 to 40 minutes while they go on with their program as though you're not even there. Then they expect you to stay another half hour later, and even when all of the kids have left, all of the self congratulatory "team" that just put on an absolutely horse shit event want you to stand around for photos with them and expect multiple shots in every combination and permutation possible... and then, "Wait, wait, Santa... we need a pic with MY cell phone." Fucking email, have you ever heard of that? But now that I'm no longer allowing myself to be used, nobody is using me anymore. Amazing how that works! I really had nobody to blame but myself during all those years while I was learning the trade and selling myself short, or trying to raise money for ungrateful charities. Ehh... that's all in the past now, and I'm finding that the more I charge people, the happier they are. They still think they are getting a great value and are proud to have the "best" Santa that money can buy. Last year, I did private room visits at the Ritz for $125 Cayman dollars ($150 US). Got 3 bookings. This year, I did the same visits for $250 Cayman ($300 US) and got 17 bookings.

Fuck all, that's what I'm going to do today! Woke up at 2:31pm. Didn't know it was possible to be that tired.