Anyone else here annoyed by Matthew Berry's writing style on ESPN? I mean if you're gonna give me a list of love/hate players just list them out and the exact reason why. No need for a novel-long ramble about useless shit and trying to be cute in your explanations. Whatever, his opinions suck anyway.
Who has time to read this as an intro?
Before we start -- and by "we" I really mean me, because let's face it, I'm the one doing all the work here, and no, what you're doing right now doesn't count as work, no matter how much you grunt -- I just wanted to thank everyone for all their kind words about both the Muppets column and the actual Muppets script I posted in social media last week. Obviously meant a lot to me.
Speaking of social media, if you follow me on Twitter or on Facebook, you no doubt saw me promoting the "60 Minutes Sports" profile they did on me and fantasy sports that aired Wednesday night. If you missed it, you can read more about it here.
Being interviewed by "60 Minutes Sports" was, as you might imagine, surreal. The crew was very nice and professional; I had a blast with Sharyn Alfonsi, the correspondent; and they were very thorough. All told, they spent the better part of six days with me, filming our ESPN Radio event in Dallas, a book signing event for "Fantasy Life," me at home with my family, me at work on a Sunday morning here at ESPN, me actually drafting at the "Howard Stern Show" fantasy football league and then speaking with them on camera for a few hours at their NYC studios.
I watched it when it originally aired Wednesday night, of course, and it was definitely a bit weird to sit there and watch the piece with my family; the familiar ticking of the stopwatch and then there I am, in the famous "60 Minutes" interview pose and Sharyn is talking about me. I've been on TV plenty in my life, but very rarely when someone was talking about me. Usually, I'm the one talking about someone else. Anyone who listens to the podcast knows I can talk forever, and the whole piece was probably about 15 minutes, so there are definitely some topics we didn't get to that I wish we'd covered. So with that in mind, I'm continuing the interview. Sharyn's not here to ask the questions, but whatever; I can handle that too. How tough can it be, right? So let's adjust the lights, put on the microphone, take a sip of water and get to it.
(Sits down, shakes hand)
Q: Really? You're wearing that?
A: Is that a question? Has the interview started?
Q: Well, it's a profile piece, "60 Minutes Sports," the whole deal; just surprised that's what you chose. Are you wearing makeup? Is that lipstick?
A: What happened to a nice welcome, thanks for being here, that sort of thing?
Q: Thanks for being here. Welcome to the show.
A: That's better ...
Q: Seriously, are you wearing lipstick?
A: No. I mean, I don't think so. I don't remember actually. I just sort of go to makeup and zone out and let them do what they do.
Q: So they might have put lipstick on you?
A: Probably not, maybe, whatever, I need all the help I can get.
Q: No question. Just an agreement.
A: You could have argued with me a little bit on that one. My wife thought I looked great.
Q: She's legally required to. Are you going to talk actual fantasy football at any point?
A: I'm just answering the questions you're asking.
Q: So now it's my fault? Do I have to do everything?
A: I mean, not everything but …
Q: How come you never take responsibility for your own actions?
A: OK then! So ... how about some buy-low guys? It's four weeks into the season now, I always say you shouldn't make a major move in fantasy until four weeks in; that's when you have enough of a sample size to see what your team is made of, but there's still enough season left to make a move.
Q: Sure, what do you have?
A: Here's my list of players that I think will increase in value going forward:
• Tom Brady: completing 67 percent of passes the past two weeks, reinforcements coming.
• Giovani Bernard: might be a tough get because chances are his owner is a believer, but the touches keep increasing.
• Danny Woodhead: averaging 4.7 yards per carry, at least seven targets a game over the past three and now getting red zone carries. Not a typical running back, but getting the job done in San Diego in a way Ryan Mathews is not.
• Doug Martin, Trent Richardson and Alfred Morris: Better days ahead for three of the best running backs in the NFL. If I can get any of them for less than top-seven value, I'm doing it.
• David Wilson: schedule gets a lot easier the rest of the way, as only two of the teams he'll face are currently top 12 in run defense.
• Antonio Brown: Of the Steelers' 12 remaining games, only two are against opponents in that are top-10 in limiting points to wide receivers.
• Torrey Smith: discussed below as well, but averaging 10 targets a game, including the most deep targets in the NFL; the touchdowns will come.
Q: Not a bad list. Who says you're totally useless?
A: Someone says that?
Q: I don't know, do they?
A: No.
Q: Are you sure?
A: No. Is this the part where you make me cry? Where you get all personal with me?
Q: No, that's later, when we remind people you recommended Maurice Jones-Drew in the preseason.
A: Yeah, that was a bad call. Brutal. I'm selling him for 50 cents on the dollar, especially if he does anything this week against the Rams. Upcoming schedule is brutal and I don't think he gets traded to a better team.
Q: OK, although in fairness, your evaluation of Maurice Jones-Drew really shouldn't be trusted at all, should it?
A: I'm starting to well up.
Q: Good, it's about time you showed some emotion, you robot.
A: Robot? I'm emoting all over the place here.
Q: That's not emoting, that's saying stats with flair.
A: You want me to dig deep? Get emotional?
Q: I was surprised there wasn't more of that in the piece.
A: We talked about it. They must have cut for time. I mentioned how fantasy sports saved my life.
Q: That's a bit over the top, Johnny Drama.
A: Maybe. But in the book there's a really uplifting chapter on how fantasy has helped people overcome great personal demons and tragedies, from the loss of a loved one, to cancer, to alcoholism and drug use, to physical disability to, in my case, intense clinical depression. Without fantasy, I'm still depressed in Los Angeles living a life I hated. Without it, I'm not at ESPN; without ESPN I don't meet my wife; without her I don't have my kids. I certainly felt saved. It's circle-of-life stuff. Big theme in the book and in my life. It's important to me.
Q: Am I supposed to hug you now? What was that?
A: I'm just trying to show some depth here. This is "60 Minutes." Shouldn't you be grilling me? Cornering me with the tough questions, getting to the truth by using my own words against me?
Q: Think you're doing that all by yourself.
A: No need to be condescending.
Q: Need? No. Fun? Yes.
A: Is this over yet?
Q: You're the one who wanted this. Truthfully, I voted for us to do Karabell. I'm doing whatever I can to make you interesting.
A: What are you doing, exactly? You're all over the place! You're not asking anything.
Q: What's to ask? You just spill everything anyway. I'm trying to get you to shut up, actually.
A: Shut up?!? It's an interview! I'm supposed to talk.
Q: Talk, not pontificate. Yawn. Seriously, what about Stephania Bell? She seems interesting.
A: Hey now, you're starting to get personal here.
Q: What are you gonna do about it?
A: Really? You're calling me out?
Q: Chicken.
A: This isn't happening, right? You're serious?
Q: Bak bak bak. Bak! BAK! BAK!!
A: That's it.
(Gets up from chair, lunges at interviewer, punches thrown, rolling around on the floor, light knocked over ...)
Huh. Well, that didn't go like I thought. It never does. In fantasy or in life. My sincere thanks to Alan Goldberg, James Watson and Sharyn Alfonsi; the piece was actually great and it was an honor. I'd also like to thank Zach Rodgers and the gang at ESPN Stats & Information. They had nothing to do with the "60 Minutes" piece but he did, as always, help with this column. Rock stars.
As always, this is not a pure start/sit column. Most of the people you're starting or sitting aren't listed here, as I try to avoid obvious names (on both sides) unless something specifically stands out. For questions about whether I'd start this guy or that guy check my rankings, which are updated every day.
